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Ahh, chat-speak fads, how fun, yet annoying.
And yet, contagious.
Not a whole lot to report, my throat really hurts,
I think (I more than likely) have either strep throat or
some throat infection thing.
Either way, I get penicillin.
How fun. Not.
I hate being sick, but on a bright side, i got to see Nigel today.
Or should I say, yesterday.
I miss him, he's so far away.
hmm, well, anyways,
bored, but that doesn't really matter now does it?
I'm going to sleep after all.
Silly girl, it's already 4:21am
12 minutes already wasted checking the computer again.
Got to love procrastination.
ah, fuck it.
I'll write more tomorrow.
Toodles.
Dream, dream, sleep.
I feel fucked up.
Not in any sort of sense as before
I feel absolutely amazing,
and yet, I feel empty and nervous.
I feel sick, not mentally, but physically.
I'm really starting to wonder.
Am I going to be okay down the road?
I'm not even too sure.
I never really use to care all that much, if it happens
It happens.
But now, I've got a bit more to lose.
Or so I feel like it.
Things can go either way, good or bad,
or just stay indecisive.
Same goes for a certain boy,
who over the span of the summer,
makes me feel oh so amazing.
It appears like it might work out,
and I think maybe, thats what I need.
I just don't want to be used, or mislead again.
I've so much on my mind,
School, A boy, friends, moving, where my life is going.
Health, family. So much and so many important decisions.
I don't know if I can do it sometimes,
most of the time, I just want to hide forever, and run.
Run far away, without a care in the world.
But I'd be abandoning everyone again, letting everyone down.
Letting myself down, and destroying all that I've said to help people.
I'm always trying to stay strong, you know?
To better off others, trying to be as optimistic as possible,
even though I'm getting more and more short tempered,
due to family stress and everything.
If I can keep myself strong, I can keep others as well.
If I make them happy, in turn I will be.
It's gotten me this far, time to just keep going.
But it's so hard.
I want to do what they're all doing, fall into nothingness
into severe depression, and want to give up.
And secretly, I do sometimes.
But I need to be that support.
I don't have time, or I'll fail.
And I'll be nothing, because I'd have gotten nowhere.
So much is expected, and nobody seems to listen,
even though I all listen to them,
for once, I just want someone to hear me out, and keep it private.
All this depression is contagious. I'm starting to feel it as well.
I just absolutely hate, when people say I don't understand.
Buddy, your the one that doesn't, obviously.
I've been though a lot, you don't even know the half of it.
And look at me, I'm doing alright. Even though I understand everyone
has different stress levels and ways of handling it.
It gets annoying, people constantly telling you indirectly "whatever."
And to follow up with that, weak minded people make me want to
shoot myself in the face,
If your going to go along with my opinions, alright, thats nice,
don't fucking change all the time, keep up to what you say or believe.
Don't turn on a dime, Have self control as well.
If you say you'll do it, or won't do it, fess up to it.
It's not that bloody difficult. Honestly.
Just make up your mind, or don't bother speaking it,
because all your doing is creating false pretenses,
And feeding unnecessary lies about yourself.
This world is falling apart, people and land.
Were suffering from a huge depression, not from the media,
not from anything, just ourselves.
Were fucking everything up, and ourselves, and hardly anyone
actually sees it, let alone believes it.
It's really hard to go on everyday, knowing nothing you do really makes a huge difference, that the people you care about probably won't listen, that the things your doing might not get finished, and yet, you must struggle forth. Why? I don't think anyone even really knows the answer to that, an actual answer, an answer that ends in a way other than "Because you have to."
