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I can't decide whether or not I'm just permanently bemused or possibly just a little off.
I think it's the drugs.
But seriously now, I think that society as a whole, is going straight down the drain. Everyday I seem to lose a little more hope in people and how they think, or I suppose in this case, how they're not thinking for themselves.
I mean sure, everyone is influenced by someone(s) usually, but it appears that most have reached the point of blind conformism. It's just making me wonder, with everyone constantly changing they're outlooks and friends so often, what are they searching for. I'm talking like, people changing everything about themselves to fit in. It's just making me wonder whether or not half of those people know who they are, like in a emotional and mental sense. Perhaps maybe they've just forgotten themselves or disgarded the proverbial characterized slate of "me". Which sucks bigtime for them, because all the fake friends and "fun" sexually induced, drug laced wild escapades they engage on won't mean a thing later, they'll just be someone else. They'll have different likes and dislike and friends to fit in. Changing for the worst or changing for the better, it doesn't matter because they won't be changing for themselves. Maybe I'm just over analyzing this, maybe. But I think I have a point somewhere in there.
And what the fuck is up with everyone doing coke?
Jesus.
That's another rant, for a later date.
I don't think I can describe how I feel right now.
I feel complicated, I feel almost, mundane?
Sweet jesus.
I've gotten to thinking, what am I really doing with my life?
And ever since that, I just feel really trapped.
Like I want to live a life without responsibilities, but I know that that itself is impossible.
I know that I'll never be that flawless crystal.
It seems I'm currently only prone to failure, everything I do somehow reflects just how much I've really fucked up/am fucking up my life.
And yet, even with this knowledge I'm not making much of an effort to improve.
That's my problem. I lack the ambition, the inspiration, the basic urge to better myself.
I just can't bring myself to do anything else, I just don't have the will to.
Every year I end up feeling like this. Perhaps it's seasonal, things tend to get worse around the winter months, but perhaps it's just me afterall.
Then again, maybe I'm just over annalyzing. That happens a lot too.
I just don't like how I'm feeling.
I have so many other thoughts, but those, those are not for a public blog.
This is the current time in Krasnoyarsk.
I feel like an emo face.
But I'm not feeling emo, if that makes sense?
I don't feel like myself.
I feel worthless and empty for no reason whatsoever.
It doesn't make sense.
Maybe it's too many bottled up emotions, or perhaps it's just this time of year.
Maybe it's the current turn of events,
I haven't felt self loathing in quite some time.
It's not something I enjoy.
-sigh-
As the days go by, it just gets worse.
Nothing seems to be helping really.
I'm feeling at a loss of what to do.
This is retarded.
So I realized that I created a myspace.
I don't know when I did, but I did.
I must've been high or something.
Haha.
So now I have myspace.
Fucked up.
O_o
LOL
