Emotional guilt > Overall annoyance

I feel bad for talking on the phone to a friend I never talk to.
-sigh-

On a happier note, I've finally updated my deviant art account again.
I'm finally getting my gallery going again <3
Lately I've really been bonding with my camera and trying out new stuff,
I'm soo so stoked to go around the city and snap pictures!
But that must wait until I feel less under the weather.
Still though.
=]

I think life is starting to get slightly better.
Perhaps?
As long as I have my art, I think I'll make it through.

wow.

"You will get another chance. Don't waste it."

Woah.
Talk about dead on daily fortunes.

Balance?

I feel as though I'm on the brink of change once more.
But this change is making me feel like I'm free-falling,
Like if i don't make the correct decision, I'll ruin everything.
And by everything, I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting at.
I just don't know if I'm going to like this new change.
I have a sinking feeling everything will indeed be different,
but it will all be so similar to what I've been trying to get over.

Oh fuck.
=/

Truth.

I think that I need to create balance in my life once more.
I've already begun to do this, slowly.
I'm changing who I am not just because I need to, but because I know it's time.
I need to start doing things right. I need to regain myself, and who I am.
I don't like this fucked up shell of what I use to be.
I don't like being detached from reality and everything.

I'm trying to open my eyes.

Working through the shit in my brain.

Hmm.
I've a lot of thinking to do.
And quite a few awkward conversations left to deal with.
Wonderful.

I hate digging myself holes, only to jump in.
Like, seriously, what the fuck.

Yep.
So this is it, shit is royally fucking the fan up.

I still wanna runaway.
But I don't think I'm going to.
I'm going to attempt to salvage all this shit.
Key word being attempt.

What a fuck up ...

Me.

My brain, thoughts, emotions, everything.
It's all just really fucked up.
Just like the way I'm currently living my life.
I don't understand myself anymore, or my ways.

I feel like shit, physically, emotionally, mentally.
My body has been constantly ill.
My mind is in utter chaos, trapped in thoughts.
My emotions can't decide what I want to feel.
I'm just, wrecked. 100% wrecked currently.
And everything around me, is pretty much crumbling.
I'm torn between fixing myself or making others happy.

I run away from all my problems usually,
I just pretend their not there.
I want so desperately to do that in this case,
and in some ways I have.
But in all honesty, it's not getting me anywhere.

I wish I didn't hurt the people I care about most.
I try not to, but all this running away, hasn't really helped.
I want to make everyone happy, but I know that's not possible.
Right now, I just want to make myself happy.
That's not going so well either.
I try to fix myself, and in turn I hurt so many others.
Is it worth it?

Everything that I've pushed out of my brain, or just simply disregarded
has moved it's self right to the front.
I'm relating current life, with way too many parts of my past I've tried to forget.
And, I think that I can safely say, I don't know how to deal with this.


P.s:
Yesterday marked 1 year since I created this blog thing.
and I've actually managed to kind of keep up with it.
Whoot, I suppose.

Teehee.

So today, I straightened my hair and wore preppy clothes,
just because.
I look damn interesting, but totally in a good way.
LOL
But I'm never dressing like this fer srs.
XD

On a good note, I believe I'll begin to straighten my hair everyday.
Oh gosh.

I feel sick.

My thoughts, are all mixed up.
I feel pressured, and I feel calm.
I'm also pretty sick physically.
Yay pneumonia [/sarcasm].


I have a sinking feeling that shit's about to hit the fan.

Pudding.

Soo, I suppose that this weekend was absolutely horrible,
but at the same time it wasn't. Which to most really wouldn't make much sense, eh?
Now, I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about everything else.
Oh man, this is going to be complicated.

ugh.

I feel like crying.
I feel like hitting things.
I just want to find someone
that doesn't fuck around with my empty chest cavity
where a heart use to be.

Obviously that's far too difficult.

Blehhhhg.

I think that my mind is definitely broken.
this goes along with my reality.
My outlook on pretty much everything has been altered.

I guess that's what happens when your on acid and your friend dies,
but don't actually die.


It's complicated.
But I'm definitely broken.

I'm very frustrated.

So this past little while has been interesting to say the least.
I've made new friends, more memories, and more problems.
I feel inadequate, as per-usual, but to be completely honest it's in a totally different way this time.
To top it all off, I think I'm getting sicker again, I'm brusing easier and I just broke a vein in my hand.
It really hurts.

I'm perplexed over certain senarios, and I have one of those forboding feelings of anticipated rejection.
It may not be for certain, but I feel pretty shitty nontheless.
I'd say that I don't know what's wrong with me, but tha'd be a lie.
It's more of, I don't know what to think of myself.
Everytime recently when I've tried to slow my thoughts and understand myself, I've failed.
I don't want a lot, but I know that I'm really messing up my life with my choices, among others in the midst.

I just want someone to cuddle, someone.
I want to be happy, I think that's what we all want in one way or another.
I'm at a loss for words.