Sardonic Amalgamations.

This post has nothing to do with the one below it. Though I have been thinking of that girl frequently. Things wiht her are going good, we have a coffee date this coming Friday.

Things never go as planned, that's the way of life. Mostly my life.
In relation to my love life.. just fuck it. Things have become so scrambled I don't know if I'm upset or crazy. On the verge of a break down or a break through.. My emotions are too complex for even my liking. I can barely sort through them and figure myself out.. which is a first.
I think I'm delirious; So caught up in all that's going on, that I cannot differ between how I feel and whats going on.
Everything is all messed up. This isn't how I figured it would go. I think I was so far off, and this caught me by such surprise.. that I just don't know what to do.. or how to handle let alone sort out my thoughts and emotions.
Have you ever been really thirsty? And you open a carton of milk and you pour it in your mouth... and it's... sour. That happened. Inside me. Forever.

Loose stitches.

I just got home from work and I feel rather poignant.
I saw a girl today working cash, and realized that I knew her from a few years back.
Our friendship ended just as it was beginning, but I feel today may have begun a healing of sorts.
I'm excited yet terrified, but curiosity prompted me to speak with her.
The conversation was slightly awkward, but overall I believe it went okay.
I messaged her on Facebook, and now I'm awaiting a reply.
Wish me luck?

Brain bug.

Today I donated blood after work.
It's sort of unsettling having that much come out of you.
The only thing I could think of was:
"Is this how it feels to have your life force slowly drained from your body?"
"Would I feel the same nauseated, light headed tingle if I were bleeding to death?"

At least I got to hold the bag of blood after she was done.
That was pretty cool.

Binary star system.

We are mirrors; us, each and every one. We can reflect upon everything else, but never it seems, that we can we reflect upon ourselves.
We may spin and spin and feverishly try to arrange others about ourselves so we may look within, but all of our doors are shut up tight.
Tighter than any prison.
And windows! what mad talk of windows? We have none.
Our eyes are merely deep reflective pools, deceptive little seas of sparkling sands showing the temptation of something which isn't a reflection.
In our madness for understanding of ourselves we become caught in the kelp and grasping tentacles of the massive sea monsters of obsession.
Self understanding is a greater myth than any kraken or unicorn.
Yet we chase it, like the Englishmen spending the equivalents of millions for a Narwhal horn to touch upon the novelty of legend.
We grasp most tightly to the cracks in the walls, trying in vain to pull them open into great chasms of knowing while a few inches from us is a hallway of doorways.
But we ignore them because none of them lead into ourselves.
For the elusive unicorn, we forfeit the beauty of the horse.

Paralytic dreaming.

I feel that when I'm not writing, I'm just some disposable teen.
I'm catagorized as useless, with no valid thoughts or opinions.
People don't think. They create opinions and make judgement calls in mere seconds.
Like today at work.
Now let's segway, I almost amputated my right fingers at work today!
I work in a grocery store, and I was moving the metal plate on the bottom of the cooler because I bent it by standing on it..
So I took off the plate, and noticed the immediate air flow.
I looked for fans and couldn't see any so I started bending the grating back.
Just as I finished and was putting the plate back by interlocking it with the one beside it, I suddenly realized that their were fans. Metal SHARP fans.
About a centimetre away from my fingers.
I was horrified, but luckily nothing happened.
Note to self: Today was scary. Never repeat.

^{A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.}

Time swirl.

Dear bloggers, I'm sorry for taking leave for quite some time. Things have been hectic. (So much for blogging every month for a whole year, lol.)
I'm almost not certain I can completely recount everything as well.
I suppose I should begin to try though, no?

Since December I've been fairly up & down, I got a stable-ish job that's probably one of the most pointless endeavors I've attempted as of late. At least the pay is decent.
My adventure into mental wellness has gone mostly down the drain a well. I was feeling pretty good for a while, now though I'm noticing I'm more up & down than I've been in a long time.
Yet strangely enough I still feel a odd sense of calm, and even occasionally collected. I think maybe it's time to try another method.
My living situation is driving me up the wall. My roommate is annoying me far more than I though possible. I hate pointless drama, it's only adding to my growing anxiety.
My love life feels like a swirling pool of molten lava. He's moving away for school in a month, along with the lady I've grown to love. I'm not really sure how I feel about these events.. It's touch and go.
Personally, I think I'll crumble.. at least for a while. Mostly I'm trying to keep busy. I found that when I'm constantly moving forward in my life I don't think so heavily on things that make my anxiety spike.
Something I have been getting pretty decent at would be hooping & hoop dancing, and my art has been improving. I'm feeling more creative as the days go on.

I'd say overall it's been a bit of a journey these past few months I've been absent, I think I'm slowly growing into a more relaxed person.. But it isn't an easy task. I think I want to be a calm & collected, but in reality I'm just full of turmoil. Like the calm before a storm.
At least I have a goal, of sorts. Haha.

I apologize for this entry's drab-ness. I promise I'll try to update more frequently with something more interesting.
Till then, here's what I'm working on: ( Though this isn't me )