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As of late,
I've been regaining my narcissism.
I'm pretty sure thats a good thing,
because most of my self-confidence is returning as well.
Though it wasn't ever really low, it indeed had a moment.
It's feel good to feel pretty.
Dare I say, stunning?
^_^
I've got myself a boy-creature, that's making my heart feel warm and thumpy.
As of late,
I've been regaining my narcissism.
I'm pretty sure thats a good thing,
because most of my self-confidence is returning as well.
Though it wasn't ever really low, it indeed had a moment.
It's feel good to feel pretty.
Dare I say, stunning?
^_^
I've got myself a boy-creature, that's making my heart feel warm and thumpy.
I feel awkward.
I want a tongue.
And actual not "kind of" tongue.
Because only having part of it is odd and upsetting.
Gah.
Things just hurt far more than the flesh,
Those are the things that bug you at the brain goo,
when you want to be left alone.
"Things will turn out."
Oh they will, but for the better or the latter?
Who knows?
I hope so, hope so indeed.
Why does my head feel like a graveyard?
Oh so much utter chaos.
Good and bad, of course, as per-usual.
Not complaining, just in limbo of sorts.
Not a whole lot to describe really,
=/
Maybe more later?
This was so bland.
When I say Sandwich, you say sandwich.
=)
I want McFatty's.
And a bagel, and an ice cap.
Friggin food.
=D
I needs to clean my room,
Tis really messy.
I don't like being busy.
Or doing stuff all the time.
Blah.
Hooray for vacations, relatively soon.
=3
~_o
Oh awkward feeling,
Today shall be interesting later.
Good and bad, perhaps.
My kitteh is sleeping on my leg,
purring, of course.
My room is a horrid mess.
And two of my friends are asleep on my other bed.
Interesting, indeed.
I have a horrid feeling of impending doom.
It's really strong and, impending like.
iick.
I don't want something bad to happen.
Blah. Expressionless once more,
Silence we invoke on.
Life isn't so much as irritating as it is
Frustrating and complicated.
Like what the fuck.
So now I'm at home, listening to trashy music,
On the bounce.
How lively. Of course. Riiight.
I don't even remember what day it is,
My mind is still 2 weeks behind.
And it's depressing that summer is almost over,
and all my friends will have to go back to school.
I don't even know what to say about half the shit
thats going on.
Most of it has left me insouciant.
All I have to say is,
Shushwap shall be interesting indoodle.
I feel lame.
Your such a cutie,
And your smile gives me tummy flutters.
=3
By gosh, it's beautiful when he smiles.
One word. Bipolar.
I hate it, so much.
I should be happy.
I really should be.
But I feel so alone and sad right now.
It's fucked up. Just totally fucked.
And yet I feel kinda happy as well.
This is seriously fucked up.
Damn, I'm rambling.
Anywhore, things have been good,
other than randomness like this.
Blah.
I'm going to go text people.
I'll write more when I feel more like myself.
People ar fucked up.
Flutter, flutter.
Oh the whimsical fate of the heart.
How I loathe and adore you.
I feel undetermined and yet compelled.
How awkward.
Oh and you can't forget enlightened.
Things have changed once more,
and still are changing.
I let a lot of people down, and I continue to do so,
everday.
And yet the caring of letting them down, is slowly being replaced
with and odd sort of hate and non-bothering neglect.
Happiness and understanding,
Torment and un-caring.
Yet, with all of these mixed feelings, I still feel normal.
And dare I say, content?
Theoretically, I should be very upset and annoyed.
But in reality, I'm just annoyed.
Their really is no sadness, just content.
It's really quite strange, to be relocated to the other side
of the spectrum.
I feel horrible, and yet happy.
I feel content and yet I'm screaming.
It's strange, to feel torn.
Things have calmed down, I think,
Either that or I have tuned them out.
Probably the later.
Certain phrases and memories keep running through my mind,
I'm not sure if it's driving me crazy,
or I've already been driven crazy.
"Things are complicated."
Thats what people say.
As each passing day starts and finishes,
I slowly seem to become less and less affectionate.
Less and less everything.
I'm not sure if thats a bad thing, or a good thing.
I'm not complaining though, maybe this is what I need?
My barriers and walls seem to have found a reboot disk.
Not only that though, I seem to have picked up another
Trait as well, Things I love to do, I barely care for now.
This is odd, and concerning. Whats happening to me?
Am I actually letting everything get to me so much,
that I'm shutting everything out, and protecting only myself?
As I said before, maybe this is what I need,
Maybe human interaction and affection is something I can do without.
Definitely. It would sure un-complicate things. Or so I let myself believe.
The summer is almost over. Things are getting colder outside,
Along with myself.
I'm going cold.
And I'm not even doing it on purpose.
It's interesting, being able to sit back and watch,
knowing bits and pieces of the movie before they happen.
Predicting things, and then watching them play out,
and yet always guessing at the ending.
With my change of heart and mind,
I've also gotten rid of other things.
I don't sleep anymore, again.
I haven't touched drugs in a while, though I have lots.
I hardly eat, even though I can again now.
I barely see anyone, even though everyone wants to see me.
I spend all my time at home and on the computer now.
I barely talk to anyone, or even talk in general.
I keep more to myself, in most aspects now.
I've mostly stopped giving hugs and being all cuddly.
It's beginning to disgust me once more.
Only a few people in my mind are alright to hug.
I'm happy my old self has decided to return,
but worried on how it will effect my current life.
Things were so different when I was alone.
We will see I suppose.
Burying the voices once more,
I vow to return to whence I came.
I'm so fucking mad right now.
I want t scream and kill something.
Somethings really wrong with me, honestly.
Their must be something I've missed when I've analyzed my behavior,
analyzed how everything is going.
Something.
Because it doesn't make sense.
I'm becoming an angry person once more,
because of my parents.
And I don't want to be angry.
Not anymore.
I haven't done any drugs either in quite a while,
Yet I keep buying them and storing them.
I don't feel the need to do any sort of inebriation.
I hate reality, but I need to face it, pushing it away makes things worse,
Oh so much worse.
SoI'm stuck here too, quite literally.
I got a kitten, and now my mom is using it as an excuse to keep me trapped at home.
I love my kitterz and all, but I can't stand my parents.
I need somewhere I vcan just go and be myself.
Someones place, I can't just stay outside.
Fuck that.
I'll get really sick again, as I already have again now.
not to complain or anything, but the stress level is getting rather maxed out.
And filling it up more is just going to make me angry.
I'm always angry now.
It;s like before but worse, because I can barely control it now,
and I don't know why.
I need something new to vent all my anger.
Things that I did before aren't working anymore.
Errg.
The school year is fast approaching and I'm fucked.
I'm not ready to start studying and doing all that shit again.
I still need to fix my life and get everything sorted and contained,
Figure everything out.
Very few things make me happy right now.
And those that do, I'm not too sure how long they'll be able to make me happy.
Everything's constantly changing and disappearing.
It's a whole lotta fucked up.
And my parents just don't get it.
They just don't understand the kind of trauma and psychological strain they're causing.
They're fucking me up more, just when things were getting better, if they were.
and they're making me so angry and so upset, I just don't know what to do about it.
I'm probably going to need some sort of therapy after this.
Fuck that though.
I think my head might explode and I might go crazy,
just kill everyone and everybody or something like that.
I can't take all this crap right now.
And yet I still am.
GRBGHSHTJMNSYHFNYFNSR
Fuck I'm tightly strung.
