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Change is probably the one thing I find most difficult to adjust to.
Serious, drastic, change I mean.
At this point in my life, everyday is like a roller coaster of twisting events and whirling emotions. I know that I need to move forward, push through; yet I feel my energy dissipating.
I am not made of stone; yet I remain motionless. As if I am. Not emotionless, though.
I know what I need, and it isn't this frozen concrete jungle.
I'm scared. Admitting this is actually quite intense for me. I try to hold it all together in every situation. This time... I can feel the weight. Cracks are forming.
I want more than anything for my life to be heading in the direction I imagined it a year ago. Everything is just so different now.
Dearest;
Please hold me. I feel weak.
Love is a tricky thing, it has many facets and hues. It is as complex as it is simple, forever growing and evolving.
I've been so caught up in loving others I believe I've forgotten to love myself. It is a strange thought. It has been a while since I've appreciated myself, and for that matter.. I've felt truly appreciated. This saddens me.. to think that I reach out and try to brighten others, yet receive not quite the same. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it is nice thought to toy with. Someone making me tasty food to eat, or doing small gestures to show that they care. Or maybe making me something artsy. Even just going out on a simple date, wanting to spend time with me. Not at a bar, or a party. Just going out and having a picnic, or running through the forest. Exploring, adventuring. I crave cute gestures, tender embraces; love. I do miss having someone to do these things with.. even just having someone who'll want to do them. The certain someone I'm tentatively with won't do these things. Well, I shouldn't say he won't.. He just has yet to. Maybe we haven't because it's too romancy, or reminds him too much of dating (something he has expressed great disdain over.)
I miss knowing that the someone who wraps you in an embrace is also wrapping you in love.
Anyways, somewhere along these lines I've begun to think about how I don't truly love myself currently. With everything going on, I guess it has just fallen to the wayside. After this thought I began to think of the quote: "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else."
It is true.
This past week has really got me thinking all about love, lust, and the tender in-betweens.
What is it that I want, and how do I obtain it?
Where do you begin such an endeavor, and am I ready to do so?
There is passion in everything. Loving and hating, in pleasure and pain. And sadness. I've been learning to grow and accept all forms of passion, not so much anymore in reckless abandon, but more so in an understanding fashion. Though I do not feel I have fulfilled my intentions or aspirations for this year, I do not feel it has been an entire waste. I've learned about fundamental parts of my unknown self I probably wouldn't have if the circumstances were not so.
This is a year or learning to let go.
Learning to keep going strong, and positive & free. There has been many hardships I've faced these past months, almost every aspect has been tried and tried again. Though it has been difficult, and at moments insane; I am grateful. Grateful that have the strength to persevere; to grow from this. Rather, let myself be washed away in the chaos.
Though I do not blog as frequently anymore as I did years back I still find serenity in doing so. It is hard to keep up with life's quirks, remain artistic, make money, be social, and fins time for the little things. Yet in moments like this I feel most calm.
I know that in the next while things will probably continue with their intensity.. But I feel slightly more prepared. I've gained an essential building block to add to my game of life. It is sturdy and gives me hope that I will make it though this crazy, beautiful period of my existence.
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
You know when things suddenly figure out some more of the puzzle... and what you find makes you realize things are so much more fucked up than you at first thought?
Yeah. That just happened.
/rage.
When one door closes, another door is inevitably opened in it's place.
I feel as of late, or at least I thought so, that several doors have opened and then closed. But the doors that have inevitably opened in their places, have also slammed shut.
I feel vindicated, yet obsolete. Are my efforts dust in end? Swept carelessly to the wayside..?
I do not want to surrender to the thought that I was right all along to be cautious. I want so badly to believe that I've judged this situation wrongly. Yet sadly it appears otherwise.
I've expressed to you all that I can, it is not enough. It is a bittersweet tragedy.
Today is a day to make something beautiful in terms of art. I want to purge how I'm feeling about this.
And lately, I just want to lie down and rest. For a minute, for an hour, for a year, by the ocean. Where there is no one else to hear me scream or dance or kiss or create or cry or do anything. Time to simplify.
I've been consumed by my dreams and my indulgence as of late. Gradually I'm finding who and what I am, and discovering where that will take me.
This year I will dance, wander, create, and take care of myself. I'll thank the stars for all the beautiful people who walk beside me, give me a place to sleep, feed my body & soul but never forget my gyspy heart and the long road. We make our choices and chase the heart of the world.
Not all who wander are lost.
Namaste.
