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Sorry for the song title thing.
I can't stop thinking of that song and listening to it.
It reminds me of so much, and envokes such a strong feeling.
It's hard to describe in a blog.
I haven't been doing to well emotionally,
I've been thinking about a lot recently.
I mean, I've seen both sides of the spectrum,
emotionally, mentally, physically.
(as in emotionally distraught, mentally broken, physically too sick to function(like constant hospitalization.))
Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I've been reviewing the way I react and stuff to
things, and I've been doing a lot of self reflecting.
Which is what most are doing right now, and though it sounds weird, I'm getting really moody.
Not really paranoid though most would think, but I mean, I just think that most people I talk to see to be so caught up in their "problems".
Which aren't vert bad in all actuality.
I'm not saying mine are worse, no I'm not.
I just mean it seems like a lot of people are stressing over little things, and don't have much to actually stress over.
I don't know I mean I understand every human being has different ways of handling things and has a different way of accepting things, and one thing to one person may be more traumatic than to another. But still.
I think what I'm getting at is, I try and talk about some stuff that's bothering me,
but whenever I do all I get as a response is:
"Ya I know, that's what's going on with me too."
or
"That sucks, today this person did this and I feel _____."
or
"That's what it's like for me, I've been there."
And maybe they have, but that's not what we're talking about.
or they give me some shitty advice or whatever, when I don't even want or need advice.
Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to.
I mean, I'm smart enough to know what not to do, I don't need someone telling me so.
Blah blah blah.
And I just feel like it's unfair, because most don't listen to what I'm trying to get across.
They don't realize I'm not adressing Their problems.
I just want to talk about mine for a bit sometimes, instead of theirs.
I guess that's just difficult with some people.
Whatever, i'll jsut keep everything bottled up, like I usually do.
I get through life pretty well like that.
Plus you don't need to worry about who's telling who what.
It's a win win situation, minus that fact the toll it takes on your mind.
I think I need a change from current situations.
I don't like what I've become and what's going on currently.
I'm having impulses I don't like.
And I'm so worried that this year, will be like a repeat of last year.
I need to find myself. And fix myself.
Hmm.
Life is confusing, I still feel like I'm losing grip on reality.
But that isn't a first.
And it has it's reasons.
Family life, is fucking with my head.
Relationship wise, I know what I want, but at the same time I don't.
I need to get my head on straight before I deal with love affairs.
The 14th aka, Valentines day, is coming up soon.
That sucks.
Not for the fact that it's the day you spend with your lover, but for the fact it's an Ex-lovers birthday.
Then other dates are coming up fast. Fuck.
Well, at least I know I'm crazy. That's wonderful.
Frigging stress. How I hate thee.
Sorry for all the random here.
It kinda happens sometimes.
I can't decide whether or not I'm just permanently bemused or possibly just a little off.
I think it's the drugs.
But seriously now, I think that society as a whole, is going straight down the drain. Everyday I seem to lose a little more hope in people and how they think, or I suppose in this case, how they're not thinking for themselves.
I mean sure, everyone is influenced by someone(s) usually, but it appears that most have reached the point of blind conformism. It's just making me wonder, with everyone constantly changing they're outlooks and friends so often, what are they searching for. I'm talking like, people changing everything about themselves to fit in. It's just making me wonder whether or not half of those people know who they are, like in a emotional and mental sense. Perhaps maybe they've just forgotten themselves or disgarded the proverbial characterized slate of "me". Which sucks bigtime for them, because all the fake friends and "fun" sexually induced, drug laced wild escapades they engage on won't mean a thing later, they'll just be someone else. They'll have different likes and dislike and friends to fit in. Changing for the worst or changing for the better, it doesn't matter because they won't be changing for themselves. Maybe I'm just over analyzing this, maybe. But I think I have a point somewhere in there.
And what the fuck is up with everyone doing coke?
Jesus.
That's another rant, for a later date.
I don't think I can describe how I feel right now.
I feel complicated, I feel almost, mundane?
Sweet jesus.
I've gotten to thinking, what am I really doing with my life?
And ever since that, I just feel really trapped.
Like I want to live a life without responsibilities, but I know that that itself is impossible.
I know that I'll never be that flawless crystal.
It seems I'm currently only prone to failure, everything I do somehow reflects just how much I've really fucked up/am fucking up my life.
And yet, even with this knowledge I'm not making much of an effort to improve.
That's my problem. I lack the ambition, the inspiration, the basic urge to better myself.
I just can't bring myself to do anything else, I just don't have the will to.
Every year I end up feeling like this. Perhaps it's seasonal, things tend to get worse around the winter months, but perhaps it's just me afterall.
Then again, maybe I'm just over annalyzing. That happens a lot too.
I just don't like how I'm feeling.
I have so many other thoughts, but those, those are not for a public blog.
This is the current time in Krasnoyarsk.
I feel like an emo face.
But I'm not feeling emo, if that makes sense?
I don't feel like myself.
I feel worthless and empty for no reason whatsoever.
It doesn't make sense.
Maybe it's too many bottled up emotions, or perhaps it's just this time of year.
Maybe it's the current turn of events,
I haven't felt self loathing in quite some time.
It's not something I enjoy.
-sigh-
As the days go by, it just gets worse.
Nothing seems to be helping really.
I'm feeling at a loss of what to do.
This is retarded.
So I realized that I created a myspace.
I don't know when I did, but I did.
I must've been high or something.
Haha.
So now I have myspace.
Fucked up.
O_o
LOL
