Throwing poison in to the fountain of youth.

Sometimes I wonder who I am, what I am. Bedraggled persona?
In a clearing I see a lake. In that lake I see me. I see a reflection of myself.
The reflection stares back and judges me with intensity.
I stare into the lake and wonder if this is really me.
Am I really this? Or is this just me at this moment in time?
Is the me now what I want to be or is it what people see me as?
Will I forever be this way or am I just testing an identity?

Poignant. Tangled in reverie. This is how I am at current.
I'm beginning to feel more centered everyday. My thoughts are far more collected, without the help of any substance. My life is a puzzle that's slowly being put together. You cannot quite see the end result, but the pieces are all falling together easily now.
Though I still carry a slight nihilistic mindset, I can feel it becoming more docile as the days pass.
I'm eating wheat grass now (It's insanely good for you.), I take vitamin D, B complex, 5-HTP & I want to order some Piracetam.
I've also been trying to exercise my mind & memory. I feel I've lost a lot of who I am over the past year, and I want to regain it. I allowed myself to become tainted in many fashions, and it just isn't acceptable anymore. I want to feel more like myself, more like who I picture myself as and who I was.
I'm meditating usually once a day, Jasmine & rose essential oils help me relax a great deal. I want to learn how to make essential oil, I understand the basics, I just need to get started. Also, I want to build a Zen garden. I crave this.

Overall, I'm just asking myself what I want, what I need to be happy & complete. I want to be good to myself, love who & what I am. This is a journey to figure myself out & for fulfillment. Everything seems so obvious now.

I can feel myself coming out of my cocoon.

- - - - -

^{Are we the playthings of fate
Remember the divine moments
Gliding, exploded in the morning
And now we're all alone
Lost dreams of love
The days when we had done nothing
We have a lifetime to cry
And now new}

Barely visible through the thousands of thin, webbed lines of electromagnetic pulses that makeup thoughts.

^{Pale fingertips rip away the mask, tearing away both flesh and memory, eyes shattering like glass upon the merest touch. Through the visually distorted cracks and damages, a tainted world manifests. Deafened by the silhouetted results, one stumbles through inescapable loneliness, and it is in this cold, dark dystopia that one begins to understand. Something is very wrong. And it's time to stop living in a dream, and do something about it.}

"Beyond every fear is freedom."

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolc anoconiosis.

My mind feels too convoluted to process, let alone explain in any rational manner.
I've been stressing unduly about a large number of things recently, maybe they're unimportant? I apparently don't feel so, unfortunately.
It's like my thinking is twisting and fracturing, simultaneously with my memory.
At current I have headaches everyday.. perhaps I'm just overwhelmed. I feel like I'm loosing bits of myself as the days go by. I think some things might have effected me in a far greater sense than I first thought or even cared.
I forget small things I shouldn't now. Passwords, names, dates.
Simple things most people wouldn't think twice about forgetting. But I don't forget these things.
I think I should be good to my brain for the next while, I think it needs it.
I really don't want to be a moron.

^{Every city has two faces, the one of steel and concrete created by human beings while they destroy nature--and the second, of trees and flowers, fabricated by people as they try to put nature back.}

Awake but dreaming..?

Dear blog;
You seem so forgotten half the time, but in reality your thought of more often then not.
I do though, forget to post in you frequently. Which I am sorry for.
It has been a while. All summer in fact. How to sum this up..

I traveled around working in a Sheesha lounge for most of the summer, which was alright. I'm not really sure my exact feelings on the matter quite this instant.
I feel more calm about my relationship with said previously mentioned boy. Things are turning out really good, I'm really happy.
Planning and arranging moving from my last place of residence was pretty chaotic.. But I survived, and now have a pretty decent living arrangement. Now to find a job. :p
Coming back from my travels proved to be far more complicated then I had assumed it to be.. Things have become far more complicated with someone very dear to me. I hope with a little research i'll be able to come to some conclusions, and perhaps figure something out.

These past few months I'd have to say have been so confusing.. somewhat enlightening, but I'm not too sure if I've actually made any progress mentally. Some days I feel I know what's going on inside, others.. not so much. I think I've come to a few conclusions though, and I certainly have a few ideas about what I should be doing / figuring out. Overall? I think I'm at least on the right path.. Maybe the next little while will prove to be more productive.

- - - - - -
^{The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.}

Time together isn't ever quite enough..When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?

Just like that he's gone.
This is the worst heart ache I've felt in a long time....

I'll be okay though.
I'll be strong, and when I see him again the distance will mean nothing.

Letting someone go that you love, is so much harder than breaking up.
I really hope this helps me develop into a great individual.
Isn't that what all this angsty stuff is suppose to do?
I sure hope so. Time to to remain optimistic.
Hello sunny day.

Scintillating..

Today is the last day I have to spend time with him.
Tomorrow is the going away party.. Saturday he leaves.
I don't feel okay. Not right now. I'm managing to hold it together.. But I just want him to stay.
This feels so surreal. He was suppose to leave this time last year, and now he actually is.
I don't feel like I've conveyed enough of my emotions, requested enough of his touch, or heard enough of his voice. It feels so sudden, but the reality is that it isn't.
I'm going to miss him so terribly. I feel like I've built myself up so much since I've met him, and even since we've become lovers.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself at this moment..
Tonight is going to be emotional, reassuring.. beautiful.
It's going to be very hard to let him go..

<sup>The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the boneBut drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone</sup>

Unsettled.

Yesterday was eventful & good, yet I was filled with anxiety. Even now I still am..
My coffee date with said girly went surprisingly well. I'm thinking were going to hangout more. I'm excited. :)
I did some shopping and bought some tickets to a festival. That was nice.

But I can't help but think about how I only have one more week with my boy..
I feel like I'm slowly crumbling from the inside. I'm going to miss him so much, I don't think I'm prepared for this. But I'm going to try to be strong.