Wrapped up, let loose, then disguised- We are chatoyant.

2013 was a very eye-opening year for me. A lot things transpired that I never thought would. Some good, others not so good. Ultimately I've learned from my mistakes, and grown from my experiences. Now with that said, I really didn't think that my first post of 2014 would be so glum, but I feel that it needs to be said.

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I got offended that someone I've grown close to took such an agressive approach to my idea of travelling. Actually it's just the simple idea of travelling at all. You are completely against even trying it, and couldn't simply be bothered to even be like: "Hey, I don't really like that." or "Perhaps that isn't somethingI'd enjoy." Instead you swore every second word, made it sound like going to any place without a major technologically advanced city is awful- that all it had to offer was homeless people. This is the most ignorant response I think that I've ever gotten from someone when I mentioned travelling. Culture, especially multiculure, has so much to offer. Living in Canada I've grown up around people of all cultural backgrounds, and some of the stories and pictures I've been exposed to have really shaped my adventurous ideals. The lure of going somewhre foreign is strong, and I won't base my travel-bug on whether or not I can sleep in a 5 star hotel. I think that the sweetest and most rewarding types of adventures come from feeling vulnerable and doing something that puts you out of your comfort zone. After spending time traveling from town to town, city to city, and just plain hiking around in wilderness, each experience has taught me very different life lessons that I honestly don't believe I'd have learned as early as I have- or perhaps ever. Though I'm not positive that I'd want to lead a completely nomadic lifestyle for my whole existence, bouncing bck and forth in & out of one has really helped shape my views as a more stable happier me. In turn from my experiences I feel far more connected to the human race in general. I never really kept the same best friend growing up, and often times it feels as though my close relationships grow apart. The universal together-ness that I've experienced through wandering has really taught me a lot about what it means to feel generous, loved, and ultimately enriched. Therefore, I cannot understand such a negative perspective to wanting to even experience the basic type of exploring. I feel at a loss for beginning to explain the wonders of this kind of journey. I know it is not my place to convince, but knowing that some people are just so against it for such selfish and completely irrational & wrongfully preconceived reasons. And this makes me sad. It's the kind of lackluster, bleakness. I am sad for them & all of the probably life-changing experiences that they are so easily ready to forfeit. Be adventurous. Spontaneous. Allow yourself to love and be loved, in all ways. Not just with a partner, lover, friend. But find the universal love that is simple and it does exist. People that have the least are often able to give you the most.

Engage in the adventure.

To be honest, it's moments like these that I miss a certain someone else.

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Twist.

Finally, 2011 has come to an end. I've made a few new years resolutions that I'll hopefully stick to, but I suppose we'll see. For about 3 weeks I've been battling to breathe. my asthma seems to really be bothering me. Also my dreams have fluctuated from macabre to peculiar, to sometimes actually being peaceful. I can only assume it has something to do with the current change of pace.

2012, thus far has been melancholy. It began merely a few hours after my friend was in a fatal car accident. Definitely not the best way to begin the new year.. but life does go on.
So much is going to change this year. I can feel it. I can honestly only hope to keep the wonderful people I have gained in my life. Heavens know I need them.

Though things are still tough me, I have so much to be thankful for. Rest in peace Jason.

<sup>"People were created to be love, things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, while people are being used. "

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, our world will see peace."</sup>

Float.

Change is probably the one thing I find most difficult to adjust to.
Serious, drastic, change I mean.
At this point in my life, everyday is like a roller coaster of twisting events and whirling emotions. I know that I need to move forward, push through; yet I feel my energy dissipating.
I am not made of stone; yet I remain motionless. As if I am. Not emotionless, though.
I know what I need, and it isn't this frozen concrete jungle.
I'm scared. Admitting this is actually quite intense for me. I try to hold it all together in every situation. This time... I can feel the weight. Cracks are forming.
I want more than anything for my life to be heading in the direction I imagined it a year ago. Everything is just so different now.

Dearest;
Please hold me. I feel weak.

With colours so vibrant & true; cocoon me.

Love is a tricky thing, it has many facets and hues. It is as complex as it is simple, forever growing and evolving.
I've been so caught up in loving others I believe I've forgotten to love myself. It is a strange thought. It has been a while since I've appreciated myself, and for that matter.. I've felt truly appreciated. This saddens me.. to think that I reach out and try to brighten others, yet receive not quite the same. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it is nice thought to toy with. Someone making me tasty food to eat, or doing small gestures to show that they care. Or maybe making me something artsy. Even just going out on a simple date, wanting to spend time with me. Not at a bar, or a party. Just going out and having a picnic, or running through the forest. Exploring, adventuring. I crave cute gestures, tender embraces; love. I do miss having someone to do these things with.. even just having someone who'll want to do them. The certain someone I'm tentatively with won't do these things. Well, I shouldn't say he won't.. He just has yet to. Maybe we haven't because it's too romancy, or reminds him too much of dating (something he has expressed great disdain over.)
I miss knowing that the someone who wraps you in an embrace is also wrapping you in love.
Anyways, somewhere along these lines I've begun to think about how I don't truly love myself currently. With everything going on, I guess it has just fallen to the wayside. After this thought I began to think of the quote: "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else."
It is true.

This past week has really got me thinking all about love, lust, and the tender in-betweens.
What is it that I want, and how do I obtain it?
Where do you begin such an endeavor, and am I ready to do so?

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.

There is passion in everything. Loving and hating, in pleasure and pain. And sadness. I've been learning to grow and accept all forms of passion, not so much anymore in reckless abandon, but more so in an understanding fashion. Though I do not feel I have fulfilled my intentions or aspirations for this year, I do not feel it has been an entire waste. I've learned about fundamental parts of my unknown self I probably wouldn't have if the circumstances were not so.
This is a year or learning to let go.
Learning to keep going strong, and positive & free. There has been many hardships I've faced these past months, almost every aspect has been tried and tried again. Though it has been difficult, and at moments insane; I am grateful. Grateful that have the strength to persevere; to grow from this. Rather, let myself be washed away in the chaos.
Though I do not blog as frequently anymore as I did years back I still find serenity in doing so. It is hard to keep up with life's quirks, remain artistic, make money, be social, and fins time for the little things. Yet in moments like this I feel most calm.
I know that in the next while things will probably continue with their intensity.. But I feel slightly more prepared. I've gained an essential building block to add to my game of life. It is sturdy and gives me hope that I will make it though this crazy, beautiful period of my existence.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

And the plot thickens..

You know when things suddenly figure out some more of the puzzle... and what you find makes you realize things are so much more fucked up than you at first thought?
Yeah. That just happened.

/rage.

We are the tangled, floating in a dark dystopia; luminescence is of cardinal significance.

When one door closes, another door is inevitably opened in it's place.
I feel as of late, or at least I thought so, that several doors have opened and then closed. But the doors that have inevitably opened in their places, have also slammed shut.
I feel vindicated, yet obsolete. Are my efforts dust in end? Swept carelessly to the wayside..?
I do not want to surrender to the thought that I was right all along to be cautious. I want so badly to believe that I've judged this situation wrongly. Yet sadly it appears otherwise.
I've expressed to you all that I can, it is not enough. It is a bittersweet tragedy.

Today is a day to make something beautiful in terms of art. I want to purge how I'm feeling about this.