skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I honestly feel like a failure right at this very moment.
But I honestly don't want to change a thing.
I've missed this, and how spontaneous this is.
Hahahaha, what the fuck do I do now?
ugh.
I disappoint, yet amaze myself.
Not surprising, really.
[/fail]
What the fuck am I doing with myself?
I don't know...
Soo, I believe that today i've hit a turning point of sorts.
I think perhaps I've finally begun to maybe head in a right direction.
But at the same time I believe that this may be a really dumb thing to get worked up over.
I think that my life is going to change, soon.
Possibly for the better, possibly for the worst.
I'm honestly not all too sure.
I suppose I've just let what happens, happens.
I'm really tired. Bah.
I'm go sleep, so I can wake up soonish.
AND BY THE WAY:
THIS IS MY 100TH POST.
^___^
I've begun to wonder, once more, who actually reads this.
not like that actually matters, since I just use it for venting,
but it crosses my mind, not gunna lie.
So I have a tummy ache, and it's kinda there, but kinda not,
and I have a head ache thats kinda there but kinda not.
And ocne more, I've been thinking, about everything in my life.
And some of my thoughts have been making me wonder about previous things that have happened.
Like how I keep thinking about how I'm almost going to be an adult soon.
How fast i'm growing up mentally and physically.
What friends I still talk to and who I haven't talked to in soo long.
I keep recalling previous relationships and ex's and almost's.
And certain memories that hold a lot for me.
I dunno, i'm jst really thinking about my life in retrospect.
Annnd yeah, that's about it.
I've been trying to hangout with more people too, but that gets difficult.
Gotta find some motivation, haha.
=]
So here I am thinking, why have a Livejournal,
when I can just post everything from there, into a private little blog on here?
so I created a new private blog called: "Bizarre Identity."
I'm thinking about in the future letting some of my closer friends read it,
Possibly. Lot's of personal stuff shoved in there. Haha =]
Anyways, on to the topic of my actual semi-personal life.
I've been feeling kind of alone. Not necessarily "I miss someone" kind of alone.
Just, seperated?
It's difficult to put into words.
I don't know what exactly I'm getting at either really.
I suppose I'm just writing out my thoughts, because it's the "good" thing to do.
You know, vent and such.
Whatever.
I'm eating Doritos right now,
and they're burning the gash/cut thing I have in my mouth.
Yep.
My heart just broke a bit more today.
As it does every year.
Happy 18th birthday Naiobe,
I really fucking miss you.
D=
People are so fucking stupid.
They make everything into a competition.
Currently it seems to be: "Who fails at life more?"
Oooh, way to fucking turn everything I say into a "I've done worse." situation.
And people expect me to just open up to that?
I don't need answers, I wasn't asking for them.
I could give a fuck what they think about my life.
I like it when people listen. But It seems, everyone has forgotten:
When listening, You don't talk.
Holy shit, what a mother fucking epiphany.
Keep you mouth shut. Seriously.
If you want to talk about ME, then let's talk about ME.
I don't see a YOU in there.
-hits head agains wall-
I'm very frustrated right now.
And no, I don't want to talk about it.
Thanks for asking.
Sorry for the song title thing.
I can't stop thinking of that song and listening to it.
It reminds me of so much, and envokes such a strong feeling.
It's hard to describe in a blog.
I haven't been doing to well emotionally,
I've been thinking about a lot recently.
I mean, I've seen both sides of the spectrum,
emotionally, mentally, physically.
(as in emotionally distraught, mentally broken, physically too sick to function(like constant hospitalization.))
Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I've been reviewing the way I react and stuff to
things, and I've been doing a lot of self reflecting.
Which is what most are doing right now, and though it sounds weird, I'm getting really moody.
Not really paranoid though most would think, but I mean, I just think that most people I talk to see to be so caught up in their "problems".
Which aren't vert bad in all actuality.
I'm not saying mine are worse, no I'm not.
I just mean it seems like a lot of people are stressing over little things, and don't have much to actually stress over.
I don't know I mean I understand every human being has different ways of handling things and has a different way of accepting things, and one thing to one person may be more traumatic than to another. But still.
I think what I'm getting at is, I try and talk about some stuff that's bothering me,
but whenever I do all I get as a response is:
"Ya I know, that's what's going on with me too."
or
"That sucks, today this person did this and I feel _____."
or
"That's what it's like for me, I've been there."
And maybe they have, but that's not what we're talking about.
or they give me some shitty advice or whatever, when I don't even want or need advice.
Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to.
I mean, I'm smart enough to know what not to do, I don't need someone telling me so.
Blah blah blah.
And I just feel like it's unfair, because most don't listen to what I'm trying to get across.
They don't realize I'm not adressing Their problems.
I just want to talk about mine for a bit sometimes, instead of theirs.
I guess that's just difficult with some people.
Whatever, i'll jsut keep everything bottled up, like I usually do.
I get through life pretty well like that.
Plus you don't need to worry about who's telling who what.
It's a win win situation, minus that fact the toll it takes on your mind.
I think I need a change from current situations.
I don't like what I've become and what's going on currently.
I'm having impulses I don't like.
And I'm so worried that this year, will be like a repeat of last year.
I need to find myself. And fix myself.
Hmm.
Life is confusing, I still feel like I'm losing grip on reality.
But that isn't a first.
And it has it's reasons.
Family life, is fucking with my head.
Relationship wise, I know what I want, but at the same time I don't.
I need to get my head on straight before I deal with love affairs.
The 14th aka, Valentines day, is coming up soon.
That sucks.
Not for the fact that it's the day you spend with your lover, but for the fact it's an Ex-lovers birthday.
Then other dates are coming up fast. Fuck.
Well, at least I know I'm crazy. That's wonderful.
Frigging stress. How I hate thee.
Sorry for all the random here.
It kinda happens sometimes.
