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So I'm at Julia's right now,
And things are better then they were before.
Family troubles suck though.
So do relationship troubles.
And I'm not even in a relationship.
WTF.
:(
People are fucking gay.
Leave me all alone.
I DON'T want a relationship.
Just because I'm single doens't mean I want a relationship.
I don't want to have ANY more talks about:
"So what am I to you?"
Or
"So whats going on exactly."
I'll tell you,
NOTHING.
Thats what.
Stop trying to give something that isn't hope.
I know whom I care about, and who I'd want a relationship with eventually.
And their's only a few.
Only some people are special enough to possibly get my heart.
Kay so it's 10:30am
and i've been up all night finishing crap.
I'm tired, but paranoid now, because of my mom.
Eeek. I don't know what to believe.
Things are really complicated right now.
Blah.
Soooooooooo,
plans changed.
Andddddd,
I didn't know that they changed, so I waited at home for a phone call back,
Because I called, and you said you'd be home.
But you weren'y, and it looks like I got ditched.
=(
I probably could have gotten a ride from someone else too,
If I had know earlier.
So to anyone now, that makes plan, and can't show or something,
TELL ME.
Because I COULD have been in Leduc, or have just left for whitecourt.
I changed and screwed up people and their plans,
So that I could go to this party in Leduc,
and now that I'm not there, I feel like I let alot of people down,
Which I did, namely be.
And now, it's all BLAH to fix everything.
No worries though, I'm not angry,
just disappointed.
NEHOW.
Whitecourt, early tomorrow, until Wednesday.
Peace out Edmonton, Your all lame.
Ahh, yesh.
If the weekend goes as planned,
It shall be pretty fan-freaking-tasmalistic.
^_^
I'm heading to Leduc today, tis going to be fun :D
Then heading to Whitecourt tomorrow.
I'm pretty stoked, for everything.
Then Canada Day next weekend.
Whoo-hoo.
Other than that though, Everyone is sleeping.
Blahhhh, I wish someone was awake or something.
I'm uber-duber bored.
Newho, ta ta.
Smile Cupcake.
Soo, I have 2 things to say, first off;
I miss my Naia.
Naiobe Dousen.
Wednesday February 14, 1990 - Thursday March 17, 2005.
Now, I could go on about this lady here, for hours,
but honestly, all I feel like writing right now is:
I miss you soo much, not a day goes by that your not on my mind.
Now secondly,
SOME PEOPLE are obviously so SOCIALLY RETARDED,
That they make nexopia blogs, CONSTANTLY about me,
Angry nexopia blogs mind you, when I have done NOTHING
In recent events to them. Obsessive?
You tell me.
And it's getting really annoying, reading them all the time.
I'm considering removing them, just so I don't see them anymore.
But I won't because this person is still a friend.
A really annoying one, but still is.
Now, I didn't post this in my nexopia blog mostly because unlike them,
I DON'T want everyone to read it, so only the few that actually stumble upon this,
Will ever know it exists.
And why did I put it into a blog?
Because it bothers me that they won't choose to either
a) Fuck off just not be a friend, and leave me alone, completely.
or
b) Just stop making random blogs about shit that happened a while ago.
So maybe they'll read this, and just stop posting shit,
OR
more than likely make another nexopia blog, and bitch that I wrote this.
And be a freaking immature dork face.
If you STILL have a problem with me, deal with it.
Or don't and leave me alone.
HOKAY.
Onto other news.
I'm going to hang out wiff a pweety girlie today probably.
And I must make plans to get to places for tomorrow.
I'm excited, this weekend, if all goes well, will rock!
And then most of this week hopefully then :D :D
I'm stoked.
So basically Ray is going to drop off the face of the earth
starting Sunday, till around Wednesday or Thursday.
Yuh.
Peace out E-town, I'm leave yew for a while.
This blog ranter thingy is too long.
=)
I feel really good.
About myself, about life.
Sure somethings are getting me down,
but honestly, I feel pretty darn good.
And I don't have a crush really on anyone.
I know who I care about, and that they care about me.
Well, to tell you the truth, I do like a person.
Not saying anything except, I'm staying away from the male race.
It's so strange, I haven't gone for the female race in
probably a year and a half.
I'm kinda nervous, but still really giddy.
It's exciting.
Summers almost here!
Out of curiosity, who reads this?
I mean who actually goes here from my nexopia page,
And reads what I write here?
Silly creepers, you all are.
Newho,
It appears I have alot of plans,
Like I'm booked full starting tomorrow-ish or Friday
and ending about Wednesday or Thursday.
Eeep.
And for 3/4 of the plans, I'm not going to be in Edmonton.
Gack.
Ahh, well, anyways,
Relationship wise... people suck.
I mean, things are far too complicated right now,
and I think I'll just stay free, for a while.
It sounds better that way to me anyways.
Hopefully things get better here, at home.
This is getting ridiculous.
gerg, I have so much stuff to do,
And it's all in such a short amount of time.
Bleh.
I don't know how I feel about things right now.
Everything is just too scrambled.
Eeep.
I feel a bit better,
I like getting cheered up and such.
Hmm lots of plans this weekend.
I still have to figure out what I'm going to do.
And how I'm going to work it all out.
And most of next week is already planned out.
So yeah.
Lol I'll post my schedule on my nexopia blog once I know it.
:D
More to come later
<3
I don't know how things are going.
Infact, I don't know what to do.
Well, I do, but I don't at the same time.
Emotions are running wild, too much in such a short amount of time.
I weighed myself the other day, expecting it to be all gross and such.
I mean, last time I weighed myself I came out to around 120 or so.
I weighed myself, curious, at a friends, and was suprise.
106.
I guess stress takes a toll on my body.
I'm pretty much back to my weight of last year, before I got really sick.
And thats surprising.
On to other news.
My puppie died...
She was so young too.
A heart attack got her, and I'm crushed.
She was such a sweet, protective loving animal.
She didn't deserve this, I want her back.
All my animals are leaving me.
And all my friends too.
Which leads to:
I feel torn between things, I don't want to make people choose.
I want to belong, I really do, but it doesn't seem like he'll let me.
Every chance he gets, he says little things to make me feel bad.
I wish he'd stop.
I didn't do anything to him but support him, and care about him.
Why does he insist on ruining my friendships?
I still want to be his friend.
I should feel angry, but all I want is for him to be happy again.
Wow, fucked up huh? you don't even know the half of it.
I feel like a tool.
:(
bnufgiisegufdgdf
I hate this
You hate me.
You hate me.
You honestly hate me.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
You honestly hate me.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
Your not worth my time.
So it really doesn`t matter,
That you hate me.
Thats what everyone is telling me to think.
that it doesn`t matter,
that your not worth it.
Maybe if I lie to myself,
It will be easier.
That doesn`t mean that it doesn`t hurt,
and that doesn`t mean that your smile
doesn`t brighten up my day.
Even if you do hate me.
Other fish in the sea though, right?
:(
Ah hmm,
I`ve thought, and figured out a lot about everything.
MAINLY, that boys, just aren`t worth it.
I`m DONE with them,
As for girls, who knows.
I`m just going to let whatever happens, happens.
And I`m buying my Odyssey ticket today.
I`d suggest you people do the same, it`s going to be wicked.
Newho, people suck, and I`m going to go eat food substances.
:)
I fuck everything up.
I don`t know why I try anymore.
In the end, it just never pays off.
peace.
I remember on Saturday, you told me:
``Your strong, remember that, where has that strength gone?``
I remember saying that I was never strong enough.
Your reply was:
``Yes, you are. Your a beautiful girl, intelligent,
You can do it, don`t let him get you down, he`s not worth it.
You`ll get through this, I know you can.``
I`d like to believe that I will, I probably will,
but things won`t ever be he same, emotional wise, for me.
I just got over someone, only to fall over a guy who feels nothing for me.
A guy who could care less if I stopped existing.
It hurts.
Me and this boy, whom now seems to hate me, got really close at first,
we shared alot, and thus, he earned my trust pretty fast.
He`s alot like myself, so we understood each other.
Now though, he just pushed me away, found someone better.
I wish this hadn`t happened.
But I suppose I can`t control alot of what goes on.
I want to remain friends, possibly more one day.
But as I said, things don`t alwyas happen how you`d like them to.
This really hurts.
Losing him as a possibly boyfriend hurt alot,
losing him as a friend is just torture.
This wasn`t suppose to happen, I don`t want this to happen.
You make me really happy.
I wish everyone who I cared about, wouldn`t leave.
You promised you wouldn`t.
And I trusted you.
Now I`m stuck here, stranded, in the darkness.
Alone.
So I thought things were pretty complicated.
I thought wrong.
Things are far more so now.
It seems like I`m just fading away,
Like I`m useless, that nobody except a few
would actually really miss me in the long run.
Afterall, apparently I`m such a problem, a fuck up
And so much more.
Not meaning to be emotionally distraught, but
Things aren`t even remotely working out.
People that said they`d never leave, left.
People that said they`d always listen, don`t.
People that seemed to care, want nothing to do with me.
I feel disposable.
Why do people lie, just to make their own self worth higher?
To make it seem, and feel like they`re an amazing human being.
How about you people actually try and be there.
How about you guys actually realize when I`m upset, and understand.
Why can`t you guys just do your part, when I try to do mine.
Why does everyone seem so annoyed at me?
Don`t even begin to say that I know why.
I wouldn`t be asking if I already knew.
I`m trying my best, okay, I can only handle so much, especially right now.
I always make myself seem so happy, to make others happy.
I smile, and laugh and try to seem carefree, like everything`s okay.
And sometimes, I even manage to fool myself.
But then there is the times, I can`t.
Times I can even begin to smile, where no happy even exists.
And what do you people do then?
Oh little Ray is sad, so sad.
Why, Lets make her feel worse.
Getting mad at me, when obviously somethings wrong, doesn`t help.
It makes me feel worse, and I often get worse.
Friends are suppose to be their for friends.
They`re suppose to understand.
Do me a favor, learn how.
Thanks to the select few people who actually understand,
And are being friends.
Gahk.
I've got alot to do, and crap.
blah, blah, blah.
>_O
I feel pretty in-between.
Pretty confused, and pretty enlightened.
Apathy seems like the best idea for now,
I think that it's safer that way.
And yet, I feel loads better.
With knowledge comes enlightenment.
Which kinda spells freedom,
if you tilt your head funny.
Hmm.
I'm beginning to feel the apathy.
At least I don't feel sketchy.
Though it's not like being apathetic is much better..
Smiles are about to come of today.
Too bad the smiles don't stay forever.
Death brings the love of life back in full breath
The happy feeling is actually still there.
But now, it's being stabbed by a different feeling.
I feel, rather expressionless.
It's a feeling of being happy when I think about him,
Yet so unbearably unhappy when I think of everything else.
My life right now consists of 4 things.
Him, Her, Drugs, and friends.
Everything else is fucked up or I'm fucking it up.
Lest be known, that the 4 things that are my life,
Are JUST, if not more, fucked up as everything else.
I hate it.
I just need one point, one thing,
to make all the inspiration come back.
My life lacks Inspiration.
Yet oddly enough,
Everything feels alright when I'm with him.
Too bad it isn't.
My heart hurts.
So much.
I never thought I'd actually
begin to hate my weirdness..
But as of lately, I just wish
That I'd be everything you ever wanted.
That we could work.
I think we can, I want us to try.
But sometimes things don't go that way.
And things just are too complicated,
You say.
Finally, since November, I'm once again
On the receiving end of the hurt.
Heartstrings are singing.
Singing sad songs.
But even though things are fucked up,
Even though everything's happened,
By gosh it's beautiful, when he smiles.
