I have a habit of getting caught up in things & making up excuses. I'm at that point in my life where I need to start making progress, I need to be heading somewhere at some pace. Though.. I'm not sure how to do this. Or maybe I'm just scared. I don't know how to go about this. I'm filled with anxiety about the how's and the when's and the where's. I know I should just go and 'do it' or whatever. I just feel like it should be more.. apparent? Maybe I just don't want to be doing it all by myself. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I should just be able to buckle down, but I'm so afraid of.. messing up? I'm not sure. I should have more confidence, but it's hard for me. Though, I do have more of an idea of what I want. I think I am closer to knowing what I want to do, then, I just have to go get it. I need to be doing something now. I need another job. I need to get another nice little place. Bahhhh. So much, yet so little. I need goals. I need to do them. I need another day planner. My life isn't going to collapse again, I'm not going to let it. Motivation needs to happen now, I want things, and I will obtain them. I am excited for what is ahead of me, now.. to go get it!
Sometimes I wonder who I am, what I am. Bedraggled persona? In a clearing I see a lake. In that lake I see me. I see a reflection of myself. The reflection stares back and judges me with intensity. I stare into the lake and wonder if this is really me. Am I really this? Or is this just me at this moment in time? Is the me now what I want to be or is it what people see me as? Will I forever be this way or am I just testing an identity?
Poignant. Tangled in reverie. This is how I am at current. I'm beginning to feel more centered everyday. My thoughts are far more collected, without the help of any substance. My life is a puzzle that's slowly being put together. You cannot quite see the end result, but the pieces are all falling together easily now. Though I still carry a slight nihilistic mindset, I can feel it becoming more docile as the days pass. I'm eating wheat grass now (It's insanely good for you.), I take vitamin D, B complex, 5-HTP & I want to order some Piracetam. I've also been trying to exercise my mind & memory. I feel I've lost a lot of who I am over the past year, and I want to regain it. I allowed myself to become tainted in many fashions, and it just isn't acceptable anymore. I want to feel more like myself, more like who I picture myself as and who I was. I'm meditating usually once a day, Jasmine & rose essential oils help me relax a great deal. I want to learn how to make essential oil, I understand the basics, I just need to get started. Also, I want to build a Zen garden. I crave this.
Overall, I'm just asking myself what I want, what I need to be happy & complete. I want to be good to myself, love who & what I am. This is a journey to figure myself out & for fulfillment. Everything seems so obvious now.
I can feel myself coming out of my cocoon.
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Are we the playthings of fate Remember the divine moments Gliding, exploded in the morning And now we're all alone Lost dreams of love The days when we had done nothing We have a lifetime to cry And now new
Pale fingertips rip away the mask, tearing away both flesh and memory, eyes shattering like glass upon the merest touch. Through the visually distorted cracks and damages, a tainted world manifests. Deafened by the silhouetted results, one stumbles through inescapable loneliness, and it is in this cold, dark dystopia that one begins to understand. Something is very wrong. And it's time to stop living in a dream, and do something about it.
My mind feels too convoluted to process, let alone explain in any rational manner. I've been stressing unduly about a large number of things recently, maybe they're unimportant? I apparently don't feel so, unfortunately. It's like my thinking is twisting and fracturing, simultaneously with my memory. At current I have headaches everyday.. perhaps I'm just overwhelmed. I feel like I'm loosing bits of myself as the days go by. I think some things might have effected me in a far greater sense than I first thought or even cared. I forget small things I shouldn't now. Passwords, names, dates. Simple things most people wouldn't think twice about forgetting. But I don't forget these things. I think I should be good to my brain for the next while, I think it needs it. I really don't want to be a moron.
Every city has two faces, the one of steel and concrete created by human beings while they destroy nature--and the second, of trees and flowers, fabricated by people as they try to put nature back.
Dear blog; You seem so forgotten half the time, but in reality your thought of more often then not. I do though, forget to post in you frequently. Which I am sorry for. It has been a while. All summer in fact. How to sum this up..
I traveled around working in a Sheesha lounge for most of the summer, which was alright. I'm not really sure my exact feelings on the matter quite this instant. I feel more calm about my relationship with said previously mentioned boy. Things are turning out really good, I'm really happy. Planning and arranging moving from my last place of residence was pretty chaotic.. But I survived, and now have a pretty decent living arrangement. Now to find a job. :p Coming back from my travels proved to be far more complicated then I had assumed it to be.. Things have become far more complicated with someone very dear to me. I hope with a little research i'll be able to come to some conclusions, and perhaps figure something out.
These past few months I'd have to say have been so confusing.. somewhat enlightening, but I'm not too sure if I've actually made any progress mentally. Some days I feel I know what's going on inside, others.. not so much. I think I've come to a few conclusions though, and I certainly have a few ideas about what I should be doing / figuring out. Overall? I think I'm at least on the right path.. Maybe the next little while will prove to be more productive.
- - - - - - The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
Just like that he's gone. This is the worst heart ache I've felt in a long time....
I'll be okay though. I'll be strong, and when I see him again the distance will mean nothing.
Letting someone go that you love, is so much harder than breaking up. I really hope this helps me develop into a great individual. Isn't that what all this angsty stuff is suppose to do? I sure hope so. Time to to remain optimistic. Hello sunny day.
Today is the last day I have to spend time with him. Tomorrow is the going away party.. Saturday he leaves. I don't feel okay. Not right now. I'm managing to hold it together.. But I just want him to stay. This feels so surreal. He was suppose to leave this time last year, and now he actually is. I don't feel like I've conveyed enough of my emotions, requested enough of his touch, or heard enough of his voice. It feels so sudden, but the reality is that it isn't. I'm going to miss him so terribly. I feel like I've built myself up so much since I've met him, and even since we've become lovers.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself at this moment.. Tonight is going to be emotional, reassuring.. beautiful. It's going to be very hard to let him go..
The stars lean down to kiss you And I lie awake and miss you Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere 'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly But I'll miss your arms around me I'd send a postcard to you dear 'Cause I wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light blue But it's not the same without you Because it takes two to whisper quietly The silence isn't so bad Till I look at my hands and feel sad 'Cause the spaces between my fingers Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways Though I haven't slept in two days 'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the boneBut drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you I don't feel so alone
Yesterday was eventful & good, yet I was filled with anxiety. Even now I still am.. My coffee date with said girly went surprisingly well. I'm thinking were going to hangout more. I'm excited. :) I did some shopping and bought some tickets to a festival. That was nice.
But I can't help but think about how I only have one more week with my boy.. I feel like I'm slowly crumbling from the inside. I'm going to miss him so much, I don't think I'm prepared for this. But I'm going to try to be strong.
I've had some time to think about my feelings & discuss them with someone dear to me, and now I'm starting to feel better. I think. I feel like last night we managed to connect on a different level than we've been able to in the past. Almost like some things are beginning to get resolved. I still wish things could be different in some respects, but for now I'm doing better than I was. I'm glad I'm still close to him. His presence give me tranquility.
This post has nothing to do with the one below it. Though I have been thinking of that girl frequently. Things wiht her are going good, we have a coffee date this coming Friday.
Things never go as planned, that's the way of life. Mostly my life. In relation to my love life.. just fuck it. Things have become so scrambled I don't know if I'm upset or crazy. On the verge of a break down or a break through.. My emotions are too complex for even my liking. I can barely sort through them and figure myself out.. which is a first. I think I'm delirious; So caught up in all that's going on, that I cannot differ between how I feel and whats going on. Everything is all messed up. This isn't how I figured it would go. I think I was so far off, and this caught me by such surprise.. that I just don't know what to do.. or how to handle let alone sort out my thoughts and emotions. Have you ever been really thirsty? And you open a carton of milk and you pour it in your mouth... and it's... sour. That happened. Inside me. Forever.
I just got home from work and I feel rather poignant. I saw a girl today working cash, and realized that I knew her from a few years back. Our friendship ended just as it was beginning, but I feel today may have begun a healing of sorts. I'm excited yet terrified, but curiosity prompted me to speak with her. The conversation was slightly awkward, but overall I believe it went okay. I messaged her on Facebook, and now I'm awaiting a reply. Wish me luck?
Today I donated blood after work. It's sort of unsettling having that much come out of you. The only thing I could think of was: "Is this how it feels to have your life force slowly drained from your body?" "Would I feel the same nauseated, light headed tingle if I were bleeding to death?"
At least I got to hold the bag of blood after she was done. That was pretty cool.
We are mirrors; us, each and every one. We can reflect upon everything else, but never it seems, that we can we reflect upon ourselves. We may spin and spin and feverishly try to arrange others about ourselves so we may look within, but all of our doors are shut up tight. Tighter than any prison. And windows! what mad talk of windows? We have none. Our eyes are merely deep reflective pools, deceptive little seas of sparkling sands showing the temptation of something which isn't a reflection. In our madness for understanding of ourselves we become caught in the kelp and grasping tentacles of the massive sea monsters of obsession. Self understanding is a greater myth than any kraken or unicorn. Yet we chase it, like the Englishmen spending the equivalents of millions for a Narwhal horn to touch upon the novelty of legend. We grasp most tightly to the cracks in the walls, trying in vain to pull them open into great chasms of knowing while a few inches from us is a hallway of doorways. But we ignore them because none of them lead into ourselves. For the elusive unicorn, we forfeit the beauty of the horse.
I feel that when I'm not writing, I'm just some disposable teen. I'm catagorized as useless, with no valid thoughts or opinions. People don't think. They create opinions and make judgement calls in mere seconds. Like today at work. Now let's segway, I almost amputated my right fingers at work today! I work in a grocery store, and I was moving the metal plate on the bottom of the cooler because I bent it by standing on it.. So I took off the plate, and noticed the immediate air flow. I looked for fans and couldn't see any so I started bending the grating back. Just as I finished and was putting the plate back by interlocking it with the one beside it, I suddenly realized that their were fans. Metal SHARP fans. About a centimetre away from my fingers. I was horrified, but luckily nothing happened. Note to self: Today was scary. Never repeat.
A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.
Dear bloggers, I'm sorry for taking leave for quite some time. Things have been hectic. (So much for blogging every month for a whole year, lol.) I'm almost not certain I can completely recount everything as well. I suppose I should begin to try though, no?
Since December I've been fairly up & down, I got a stable-ish job that's probably one of the most pointless endeavors I've attempted as of late. At least the pay is decent. My adventure into mental wellness has gone mostly down the drain a well. I was feeling pretty good for a while, now though I'm noticing I'm more up & down than I've been in a long time. Yet strangely enough I still feel a odd sense of calm, and even occasionally collected. I think maybe it's time to try another method. My living situation is driving me up the wall. My roommate is annoying me far more than I though possible. I hate pointless drama, it's only adding to my growing anxiety. My love life feels like a swirling pool of molten lava. He's moving away for school in a month, along with the lady I've grown to love. I'm not really sure how I feel about these events.. It's touch and go. Personally, I think I'll crumble.. at least for a while. Mostly I'm trying to keep busy. I found that when I'm constantly moving forward in my life I don't think so heavily on things that make my anxiety spike. Something I have been getting pretty decent at would be hooping & hoop dancing, and my art has been improving. I'm feeling more creative as the days go on.
I'd say overall it's been a bit of a journey these past few months I've been absent, I think I'm slowly growing into a more relaxed person.. But it isn't an easy task. I think I want to be a calm & collected, but in reality I'm just full of turmoil. Like the calm before a storm. At least I have a goal, of sorts. Haha.
I apologize for this entry's drab-ness. I promise I'll try to update more frequently with something more interesting. Till then, here's what I'm working on: ( Though this isn't me )
Sometimes it feels like I'm living in a fiction novel, I'm here, but am I here?
I've tasted magic in between the pages of self destruction; I want to lie in the moss and dream crystalline dreams.. I want something simple, beautiful, primal. I'm just another human genome, Constantly changing in a sea of organic and un-organic material on a vast blue planet.. Barely visible throught the thousands of thin, webbed lines of electromagnetic pulses that make up thoughts. I'm forever in flux.
. M a n n e q u i n . Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slipcover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide. : + + + + + :
