So I'm starting to feel a bit better. I have some appointments with doctors, once again, and everything is beginning to get sorted out. It feels nice, calm almost. I think these moods will be passing shortly. Things are going to start to look up. I know what I'm going to do to be happy. I'm excited.
It's almost my birthday, and once again I just wish it was over already.
Recently I've been feeling fairly unstable. Unstable enought to get numbers for various types of psychiatric help. I don't think I'm alright anymore. I'm far too stressed out for a normal human being, I don't feel like I can handle anything anymore. These wayward emotions have tightened their grasp on me, and I feel suffocated. I'm having anxiety attacks almost everyday, I can't eat or sleep, I feel so alone and useless. I just want everyone to go away, I want to go away. I just want to feel relaxed & calm. I'm making an appointment to talk to someone in a few days, perhaps the Weekend. I'm borderline desperate.
I apologize for the angsty blog entry, to those that are reading this. I hope I feel better soon.
Soo these past few weeks have proved to be action-packed and full of re-occurring problems. I'd like to take a moment and say, thank-you to those who've helped me stay reasonably sane. And give those that haven't a good kick in the junk. Moving on though. I thought I'd escaped this illness, I suppose I've underestimated it. I believe I'm getting sick again. Everyone is sick. Everyone is making me sick with combined different flu's and colds. It's fucking stupid. My week has been sort-of slack, which is nice, for a change. But this weekend is definitely going to be a gong-show. Hopefully it goes better than I'm imagining it. Halloween was super awesome, but it was also awful. I'm not exactly going to go into detail, but it definitely could have gone better. I think I should have probably been less drunk. Definitely. I've got quite a few things on my mind. I'm not entirely sure what to do with them either. Maybe talking with my one friend will help out a bit. Anyways, I feel nauseated, so I'm going to go lay down. Good night world of bloggy goodness.
On a side note; Remember, remember the Fifth of November, The Gunpowder Treason and Plot, I know of no reason Why the Gunpowder Treason Should ever be forgot
So I went to my job for the first time earlier yesterday. And currently I should be sleeping. So I can get up in the morning and go to work. But I'm blogging instead and contemplating what to wear tomorrow to work. I feel very satisfied with my life. Almost. Spelunking was awesome! But very, very cold. I got mild frostbite and almost went through hypothermia. Haha, but it was fun. Quite the endurance test though. I'm stoked for Sunday. D&D NIGHT! I'm no longer the Cleric, I'm a Rogue. Which is what I wanted to be in the first place. So that's effin' exciting. Sooo nerdy though. Sooo nerdy. I'm think I'm learning how to love myself, slowly. I've noticed that I feel better about myself on a more regular basis, and that I have more self-esteem. My moods don't fluctuate quite as much as they use to, and my loneliness seems to be less and less common in my day-to-day life. I'm becoming happier in ways I wasn't before. The depression hasn't completely left, it still pops in. But not like before.
As I stated in previous blog entries, my life seems to be looking up a bit.
Things are completely and delightfully dishevelled in my life. I just don't want to care anymore about all this monotonous bullshit. It's easier to disassociate from most things, and just not care. Everything is just too repetitive, and I've really been trying to just make things more realistic and exciting. I want to show myself that things can be good, even for just a moment, so I can keep pressing on. I've started doing a bunch of completely different things, and taking up different hobbies, busying myself more so and more so. I want to fill up this extra time with lots of different things, and I just want to.. learn. About anything and everything. I want to find out how to stay happy. And I'm starting to slowly get an idea. A clear, substance-free, wonderful perspective. I hope I can keep up with this stuff. But one thing I've majorly noticed, being out of a home with stress has really helped me be more 'grounded' so to speak. I feel more relaxed about some things. And I'm starting to learn about true freedom; and what it feels like.
So I've obtained a temporary job. Finally. I'm a part-time nanny for children. Not my first choice, but I need money. And other than that I'm working on some leather sewing projects that are fantastically steampunk. I think that's going to be my new thing, sadly though, it seems it's going to be every one's new thing. =[ And this coming weekend I might potentially go spelunking. Which is going to be freaking COLD if I do. Apparently the cave is really neat, located just outside of Nordegg. If I end up gathering some money's I might go. It sounds nifty. I've also taken up D&D again! We were playing 2nd edition, but I think were going to do 4th edition instead, since it's more fast-paced.
Basically, I've got some moderately intriguing things to busy myself with. So I guess other than my relations with family & lovers things are looking up a bit. Hooray for semi-balance.
I've been listening to Imogen Heap a lot more recently. It's really soothing, and soothing is definitely what I need currently in my life. It seems like finding a job is being a fruitless search.. But I'm still looking.. And I'm currently feeling rather heart-broken.. -sigh- Sometimes making the right decision is hard.
So I moved out, and honestly I feel shitty-er now more than ever. I really shouldn't be feeling crappy, but I am. I'm stressed to the max, and I feel so hollow. Things weren't suppose to be this way. I was suppose to be happy.. I'm really honestly trying to keep up a happy mood, but I feel so..hopeless now. It's completely backwards. I just don't understand it.
I'm just so tired, and have no strength. I need to sleep and look for another job later today. And do this crap all again,
So I really am not enjoying all the negativity that seems to be aimed towards me currently. I really don't appreciate how someone in particular is stressing me out by pressuring me to give them most of my attention & then complaining about how they feel that I'm not the same person & all this bullshit, just because I'm not with them. I really don't need to be stressed out over nothing, I said before I needed time to figure out my life, and currently I'm not interested in a relationship. It seems like everyone I meet end up doing something like this. It's fucked up.
I'm moving out on the 1st of September, and I'm so busy and not ready! But I'll manage. I'm just worried about paying people back and getting on my feet and such. I'm trying to stay positive and remain calm, but I have doubts, you know? I want to be mostly stress free, I'm so tired of dealing with bullshit in almost every aspect of my life, it really puts a damper on my moods & how I feel. I just need to focus on myself, and no one else until I've got shit sorted out. Some people understand this, others are just being stubborn. It's irritating.
-Deep breath- Okay, so, basically that's my rant for today. I'm going to go take a bath, and relax, and just try and figure out how this is all going to work.
This has got to be my most random blog title, EVER. It's badass. :D
Anyways, I've been quite the busy bee lately. I've been starting to feel better emotionally, but I'm still on a bit of a rocky pathway.
I'll be moving out of here in September, getting another job, Going back to school. You know, the works. I'm excited. Other than that though, I'm trying to remain positive & keep the stress and negativity away! So much is rushing at me, and I'm just barely keeping up, but it's exhilirating! I think I'm going to do okay, for real.
I always feel better after I write in my journals.
It's been a while, hasn't it? I figured I'd posted here in May, but I suppose I forgot. I honestly don't think I can re-cap even the majority of what's happened since then. Though I can say; currently I am in most ways. I'm busy figuring out what I want my life to be, and how to put it together. So far it could be going better, but at least it's going somewhere?
I guess I'll make a brief 'In a nutshell". -I quit biting my nails, but now I've begun to once more. -I feel like I threw away a part of me I was building up. -Once moment I feel like I'll be successful in whatever I try to be, the next moment I'm backing away wondering why I was so confident. -I was sick, got better, and now I'm sick again. -I'm indecisive as to what I should be doing with myself at the moment.
I'll stop there, wouldn't want to bore anyone. Gosh what have I gotten myself into?
You wear me out. I'm tired of waiting around day after day for you to show up, but you never end up showing up. And all you have to say is: "I'm sorry, We'll hangout tomorrow." But when tomorrow comes you never show up again, and you just repeat the same excuses. "I promise, tomorrow I'll see you." "For sure, nothing will get in the way of seeing you." "I'll show up because I don't have any other plans."
This is frustrating. Stop lying to me & to yourself.
I don't like being at the bottom of your priorities list. I never use to be, but now it's like I don't even matter. I should have to be dying for you to just come and see me. I'd drop everything if you said you needed me, but obviously you wouldn't do the same.
So many thoughts are flowing through my mind, Like a swirling abyss of emotion, creating a turmoil. It feels like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Hm.
So I feel like I'm on the verge of a break through of sorts.. Like a lot more is becoming clear to me as the days pass by once more. Music is really helping me through all these thoughts in my head. I've calmed a bit about my guilt, and I believe I may just be able to fix something. I've done some serious thinking, and honestly I think I know my answer. I'm completely apathetic about so much now to do with things, it's quite a shock that something like this has become suddenly so clear.. I feel like such a retard for not seeing anything sooner, at least not in the current light I've suddenly discovered..
^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^
What've you done to me? I'll never be the same, I'll tell you for sure.
My heart is a purple eggplant . It sits deep and dark , Pulsating like a dream you can hold in your hand . Smooth, warm, and whispering; Look deep enough and you can see. My blood is streaked with ribbons of lime and patchouli, And the purest black ink. And if you look even deeper; When the sun hits me in just the right way . . . I am completely transparent, And devoid of all that is tangible and able to be contained; For that moment. Even if you can't hold me, I can hold you. A heartbeat later I am whole and solid, My thoughts now opaque. Already the memory is only wisps of song, Kissing my ears and encircling my head..
So many thoughts are whirling in my brain currently. Emotions are overtaking my heart. Everything feels like its slowly caving in once more, and It's like I'm suffocating on carbon dioxide. I don't know what to think about the people I love. Nothing is working out, and it feels like everything is just barely holding on.
I'm nauseated, but not only from my sickness. This is terrible.
So Yesterday was Valentines day, and believe me it was an interesting one. I haven't really written in here in a lttle while, lots has been happening but at the same time not much has occurred. My mind seems to fallen into repetition once more, mulling over thoughts that don't need to be thought of. This winter is quite harsh on my mental well being, I think. I feel relatively crazy, yet relatively calm at the same time. I feel my mind desinigrating at the edges though, if that makes much sense. I don't feel all too happy either, like I'm trapped inside my personality or something. Mental note to self: Liquor & prescription pills do not mix well.
I have a sinking feeling in my gut, That things may get better, but they won't stay good. I feel so shitty at the moment, and worried. I want to be mad, but I can't bring myself to.
The only good news is I got snakebites. But I guess it's not great news. I think they're getting infected.
I feel really unhappy right now with a lot in my life. It's almost overwhelming, at times. Like now. I want so much to be different, but some of it I know takes time. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for some of it, and the rest? I'm not even totally sure how I want it to go.
This isn't a great start to the new year. In fact, this is quite the opposite; really..
....
Things just aren't working out, and I really don't need all this extra shit. -sigh-
So it's 2009, and I'm not quite sure how this year is going to go. So far though, it's had a pretty shitty start, for the most part. I guess new years was alright.. But it could've honestly been a lot better. Currently I'm back at home, and things seem to be just about ready to go down hill. I hope not. I just want a relaxing break.
Sometimes it feels like I'm living in a fiction novel, I'm here, but am I here?
I've tasted magic in between the pages of self destruction; I want to lie in the moss and dream crystalline dreams.. I want something simple, beautiful, primal. I'm just another human genome, Constantly changing in a sea of organic and un-organic material on a vast blue planet.. Barely visible throught the thousands of thin, webbed lines of electromagnetic pulses that make up thoughts. I'm forever in flux.
. M a n n e q u i n . Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slipcover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide. : + + + + + :
