Wrapped up, let loose, then disguised- We are chatoyant.

2013 was a very eye-opening year for me. A lot things transpired that I never thought would. Some good, others not so good. Ultimately I've learned from my mistakes, and grown from my experiences. Now with that said, I really didn't think that my first post of 2014 would be so glum, but I feel that it needs to be said.

~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~

I got offended that someone I've grown close to took such an agressive approach to my idea of travelling. Actually it's just the simple idea of travelling at all. You are completely against even trying it, and couldn't simply be bothered to even be like: "Hey, I don't really like that." or "Perhaps that isn't somethingI'd enjoy." Instead you swore every second word, made it sound like going to any place without a major technologically advanced city is awful- that all it had to offer was homeless people. This is the most ignorant response I think that I've ever gotten from someone when I mentioned travelling. Culture, especially multiculure, has so much to offer. Living in Canada I've grown up around people of all cultural backgrounds, and some of the stories and pictures I've been exposed to have really shaped my adventurous ideals. The lure of going somewhre foreign is strong, and I won't base my travel-bug on whether or not I can sleep in a 5 star hotel. I think that the sweetest and most rewarding types of adventures come from feeling vulnerable and doing something that puts you out of your comfort zone. After spending time traveling from town to town, city to city, and just plain hiking around in wilderness, each experience has taught me very different life lessons that I honestly don't believe I'd have learned as early as I have- or perhaps ever. Though I'm not positive that I'd want to lead a completely nomadic lifestyle for my whole existence, bouncing bck and forth in & out of one has really helped shape my views as a more stable happier me. In turn from my experiences I feel far more connected to the human race in general. I never really kept the same best friend growing up, and often times it feels as though my close relationships grow apart. The universal together-ness that I've experienced through wandering has really taught me a lot about what it means to feel generous, loved, and ultimately enriched. Therefore, I cannot understand such a negative perspective to wanting to even experience the basic type of exploring. I feel at a loss for beginning to explain the wonders of this kind of journey. I know it is not my place to convince, but knowing that some people are just so against it for such selfish and completely irrational & wrongfully preconceived reasons. And this makes me sad. It's the kind of lackluster, bleakness. I am sad for them & all of the probably life-changing experiences that they are so easily ready to forfeit. Be adventurous. Spontaneous. Allow yourself to love and be loved, in all ways. Not just with a partner, lover, friend. But find the universal love that is simple and it does exist. People that have the least are often able to give you the most.

Engage in the adventure.

To be honest, it's moments like these that I miss a certain someone else.

~

Twist.

Finally, 2011 has come to an end. I've made a few new years resolutions that I'll hopefully stick to, but I suppose we'll see. For about 3 weeks I've been battling to breathe. my asthma seems to really be bothering me. Also my dreams have fluctuated from macabre to peculiar, to sometimes actually being peaceful. I can only assume it has something to do with the current change of pace.

2012, thus far has been melancholy. It began merely a few hours after my friend was in a fatal car accident. Definitely not the best way to begin the new year.. but life does go on.
So much is going to change this year. I can feel it. I can honestly only hope to keep the wonderful people I have gained in my life. Heavens know I need them.

Though things are still tough me, I have so much to be thankful for. Rest in peace Jason.

<sup>"People were created to be love, things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, while people are being used. "

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, our world will see peace."</sup>

Float.

Change is probably the one thing I find most difficult to adjust to.
Serious, drastic, change I mean.
At this point in my life, everyday is like a roller coaster of twisting events and whirling emotions. I know that I need to move forward, push through; yet I feel my energy dissipating.
I am not made of stone; yet I remain motionless. As if I am. Not emotionless, though.
I know what I need, and it isn't this frozen concrete jungle.
I'm scared. Admitting this is actually quite intense for me. I try to hold it all together in every situation. This time... I can feel the weight. Cracks are forming.
I want more than anything for my life to be heading in the direction I imagined it a year ago. Everything is just so different now.

Dearest;
Please hold me. I feel weak.

With colours so vibrant & true; cocoon me.

Love is a tricky thing, it has many facets and hues. It is as complex as it is simple, forever growing and evolving.
I've been so caught up in loving others I believe I've forgotten to love myself. It is a strange thought. It has been a while since I've appreciated myself, and for that matter.. I've felt truly appreciated. This saddens me.. to think that I reach out and try to brighten others, yet receive not quite the same. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it is nice thought to toy with. Someone making me tasty food to eat, or doing small gestures to show that they care. Or maybe making me something artsy. Even just going out on a simple date, wanting to spend time with me. Not at a bar, or a party. Just going out and having a picnic, or running through the forest. Exploring, adventuring. I crave cute gestures, tender embraces; love. I do miss having someone to do these things with.. even just having someone who'll want to do them. The certain someone I'm tentatively with won't do these things. Well, I shouldn't say he won't.. He just has yet to. Maybe we haven't because it's too romancy, or reminds him too much of dating (something he has expressed great disdain over.)
I miss knowing that the someone who wraps you in an embrace is also wrapping you in love.
Anyways, somewhere along these lines I've begun to think about how I don't truly love myself currently. With everything going on, I guess it has just fallen to the wayside. After this thought I began to think of the quote: "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else."
It is true.

This past week has really got me thinking all about love, lust, and the tender in-betweens.
What is it that I want, and how do I obtain it?
Where do you begin such an endeavor, and am I ready to do so?

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.

There is passion in everything. Loving and hating, in pleasure and pain. And sadness. I've been learning to grow and accept all forms of passion, not so much anymore in reckless abandon, but more so in an understanding fashion. Though I do not feel I have fulfilled my intentions or aspirations for this year, I do not feel it has been an entire waste. I've learned about fundamental parts of my unknown self I probably wouldn't have if the circumstances were not so.
This is a year or learning to let go.
Learning to keep going strong, and positive & free. There has been many hardships I've faced these past months, almost every aspect has been tried and tried again. Though it has been difficult, and at moments insane; I am grateful. Grateful that have the strength to persevere; to grow from this. Rather, let myself be washed away in the chaos.
Though I do not blog as frequently anymore as I did years back I still find serenity in doing so. It is hard to keep up with life's quirks, remain artistic, make money, be social, and fins time for the little things. Yet in moments like this I feel most calm.
I know that in the next while things will probably continue with their intensity.. But I feel slightly more prepared. I've gained an essential building block to add to my game of life. It is sturdy and gives me hope that I will make it though this crazy, beautiful period of my existence.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

And the plot thickens..

You know when things suddenly figure out some more of the puzzle... and what you find makes you realize things are so much more fucked up than you at first thought?
Yeah. That just happened.

/rage.

We are the tangled, floating in a dark dystopia; luminescence is of cardinal significance.

When one door closes, another door is inevitably opened in it's place.
I feel as of late, or at least I thought so, that several doors have opened and then closed. But the doors that have inevitably opened in their places, have also slammed shut.
I feel vindicated, yet obsolete. Are my efforts dust in end? Swept carelessly to the wayside..?
I do not want to surrender to the thought that I was right all along to be cautious. I want so badly to believe that I've judged this situation wrongly. Yet sadly it appears otherwise.
I've expressed to you all that I can, it is not enough. It is a bittersweet tragedy.

Today is a day to make something beautiful in terms of art. I want to purge how I'm feeling about this.

..You know that you were born for more than what machines provide..

And lately, I just want to lie down and rest. For a minute, for an hour, for a year, by the ocean. Where there is no one else to hear me scream or dance or kiss or create or cry or do anything. Time to simplify.

I've been consumed by my dreams and my indulgence as of late. Gradually I'm finding who and what I am, and discovering where that will take me.

This year I will dance, wander, create, and take care of myself. I'll thank the stars for all the beautiful people who walk beside me, give me a place to sleep, feed my body & soul but never forget my gyspy heart and the long road. We make our choices and chase the heart of the world.
Not all who wander are lost.

Namaste.

I want to lie on moss, deep in forests, far away.. with you.

I have a habit of getting caught up in things & making up excuses.
I'm at that point in my life where I need to start making progress, I need to be heading somewhere at some pace.
Though.. I'm not sure how to do this. Or maybe I'm just scared.
I don't know how to go about this.
I'm filled with anxiety about the how's and the when's and the where's. I know I should just go and 'do it' or whatever. I just feel like it should be more.. apparent?
Maybe I just don't want to be doing it all by myself. I don't know why I'm so nervous.
I should just be able to buckle down, but I'm so afraid of.. messing up? I'm not sure.
I should have more confidence, but it's hard for me. Though, I do have more of an idea of what I want.
I think I am closer to knowing what I want to do, then, I just have to go get it.
I need to be doing something now. I need another job. I need to get another nice little place.
Bahhhh. So much, yet so little.
I need goals. I need to do them. I need another day planner. My life isn't going to collapse again, I'm not going to let it.
Motivation needs to happen now, I want things, and I will obtain them.
I am excited for what is ahead of me, now.. to go get it!

^{English summer rain, seems to last for ages.}

Throwing poison in to the fountain of youth.

Sometimes I wonder who I am, what I am. Bedraggled persona?
In a clearing I see a lake. In that lake I see me. I see a reflection of myself.
The reflection stares back and judges me with intensity.
I stare into the lake and wonder if this is really me.
Am I really this? Or is this just me at this moment in time?
Is the me now what I want to be or is it what people see me as?
Will I forever be this way or am I just testing an identity?

Poignant. Tangled in reverie. This is how I am at current.
I'm beginning to feel more centered everyday. My thoughts are far more collected, without the help of any substance. My life is a puzzle that's slowly being put together. You cannot quite see the end result, but the pieces are all falling together easily now.
Though I still carry a slight nihilistic mindset, I can feel it becoming more docile as the days pass.
I'm eating wheat grass now (It's insanely good for you.), I take vitamin D, B complex, 5-HTP & I want to order some Piracetam.
I've also been trying to exercise my mind & memory. I feel I've lost a lot of who I am over the past year, and I want to regain it. I allowed myself to become tainted in many fashions, and it just isn't acceptable anymore. I want to feel more like myself, more like who I picture myself as and who I was.
I'm meditating usually once a day, Jasmine & rose essential oils help me relax a great deal. I want to learn how to make essential oil, I understand the basics, I just need to get started. Also, I want to build a Zen garden. I crave this.

Overall, I'm just asking myself what I want, what I need to be happy & complete. I want to be good to myself, love who & what I am. This is a journey to figure myself out & for fulfillment. Everything seems so obvious now.

I can feel myself coming out of my cocoon.

- - - - -

^{Are we the playthings of fate
Remember the divine moments
Gliding, exploded in the morning
And now we're all alone
Lost dreams of love
The days when we had done nothing
We have a lifetime to cry
And now new}

Barely visible through the thousands of thin, webbed lines of electromagnetic pulses that makeup thoughts.

^{Pale fingertips rip away the mask, tearing away both flesh and memory, eyes shattering like glass upon the merest touch. Through the visually distorted cracks and damages, a tainted world manifests. Deafened by the silhouetted results, one stumbles through inescapable loneliness, and it is in this cold, dark dystopia that one begins to understand. Something is very wrong. And it's time to stop living in a dream, and do something about it.}

"Beyond every fear is freedom."

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolc anoconiosis.

My mind feels too convoluted to process, let alone explain in any rational manner.
I've been stressing unduly about a large number of things recently, maybe they're unimportant? I apparently don't feel so, unfortunately.
It's like my thinking is twisting and fracturing, simultaneously with my memory.
At current I have headaches everyday.. perhaps I'm just overwhelmed. I feel like I'm loosing bits of myself as the days go by. I think some things might have effected me in a far greater sense than I first thought or even cared.
I forget small things I shouldn't now. Passwords, names, dates.
Simple things most people wouldn't think twice about forgetting. But I don't forget these things.
I think I should be good to my brain for the next while, I think it needs it.
I really don't want to be a moron.

^{Every city has two faces, the one of steel and concrete created by human beings while they destroy nature--and the second, of trees and flowers, fabricated by people as they try to put nature back.}

Awake but dreaming..?

Dear blog;
You seem so forgotten half the time, but in reality your thought of more often then not.
I do though, forget to post in you frequently. Which I am sorry for.
It has been a while. All summer in fact. How to sum this up..

I traveled around working in a Sheesha lounge for most of the summer, which was alright. I'm not really sure my exact feelings on the matter quite this instant.
I feel more calm about my relationship with said previously mentioned boy. Things are turning out really good, I'm really happy.
Planning and arranging moving from my last place of residence was pretty chaotic.. But I survived, and now have a pretty decent living arrangement. Now to find a job. :p
Coming back from my travels proved to be far more complicated then I had assumed it to be.. Things have become far more complicated with someone very dear to me. I hope with a little research i'll be able to come to some conclusions, and perhaps figure something out.

These past few months I'd have to say have been so confusing.. somewhat enlightening, but I'm not too sure if I've actually made any progress mentally. Some days I feel I know what's going on inside, others.. not so much. I think I've come to a few conclusions though, and I certainly have a few ideas about what I should be doing / figuring out. Overall? I think I'm at least on the right path.. Maybe the next little while will prove to be more productive.

- - - - - -
^{The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.}

Time together isn't ever quite enough..When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?

Just like that he's gone.
This is the worst heart ache I've felt in a long time....

I'll be okay though.
I'll be strong, and when I see him again the distance will mean nothing.

Letting someone go that you love, is so much harder than breaking up.
I really hope this helps me develop into a great individual.
Isn't that what all this angsty stuff is suppose to do?
I sure hope so. Time to to remain optimistic.
Hello sunny day.

Scintillating..

Today is the last day I have to spend time with him.
Tomorrow is the going away party.. Saturday he leaves.
I don't feel okay. Not right now. I'm managing to hold it together.. But I just want him to stay.
This feels so surreal. He was suppose to leave this time last year, and now he actually is.
I don't feel like I've conveyed enough of my emotions, requested enough of his touch, or heard enough of his voice. It feels so sudden, but the reality is that it isn't.
I'm going to miss him so terribly. I feel like I've built myself up so much since I've met him, and even since we've become lovers.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself at this moment..
Tonight is going to be emotional, reassuring.. beautiful.
It's going to be very hard to let him go..

<sup>The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the boneBut drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone</sup>

Unsettled.

Yesterday was eventful & good, yet I was filled with anxiety. Even now I still am..
My coffee date with said girly went surprisingly well. I'm thinking were going to hangout more. I'm excited. :)
I did some shopping and bought some tickets to a festival. That was nice.

But I can't help but think about how I only have one more week with my boy..
I feel like I'm slowly crumbling from the inside. I'm going to miss him so much, I don't think I'm prepared for this. But I'm going to try to be strong.

Phlegmatic Anomalies.

I've had some time to think about my feelings & discuss them with someone dear to me, and now I'm starting to feel better. I think.
I feel like last night we managed to connect on a different level than we've been able to in the past. Almost like some things are beginning to get resolved.
I still wish things could be different in some respects, but for now I'm doing better than I was.
I'm glad I'm still close to him. His presence give me tranquility.

Sardonic Amalgamations.

This post has nothing to do with the one below it. Though I have been thinking of that girl frequently. Things wiht her are going good, we have a coffee date this coming Friday.

Things never go as planned, that's the way of life. Mostly my life.
In relation to my love life.. just fuck it. Things have become so scrambled I don't know if I'm upset or crazy. On the verge of a break down or a break through.. My emotions are too complex for even my liking. I can barely sort through them and figure myself out.. which is a first.
I think I'm delirious; So caught up in all that's going on, that I cannot differ between how I feel and whats going on.
Everything is all messed up. This isn't how I figured it would go. I think I was so far off, and this caught me by such surprise.. that I just don't know what to do.. or how to handle let alone sort out my thoughts and emotions.
Have you ever been really thirsty? And you open a carton of milk and you pour it in your mouth... and it's... sour. That happened. Inside me. Forever.

Loose stitches.

I just got home from work and I feel rather poignant.
I saw a girl today working cash, and realized that I knew her from a few years back.
Our friendship ended just as it was beginning, but I feel today may have begun a healing of sorts.
I'm excited yet terrified, but curiosity prompted me to speak with her.
The conversation was slightly awkward, but overall I believe it went okay.
I messaged her on Facebook, and now I'm awaiting a reply.
Wish me luck?

Brain bug.

Today I donated blood after work.
It's sort of unsettling having that much come out of you.
The only thing I could think of was:
"Is this how it feels to have your life force slowly drained from your body?"
"Would I feel the same nauseated, light headed tingle if I were bleeding to death?"

At least I got to hold the bag of blood after she was done.
That was pretty cool.