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I hate having a lot of plans,
but I always want to stay busy.
It makes, no sense.
And on a side note.
that fucking Sammy girl that Ashy knows,
had better have not lost my corset top and button up shirt.
I miss them, and want them back.
I hate people that don;t understand anything.
>_<
My birthday was yesterday.
And for the most part, it was shitty.
On to better news, my friend Natasha's birthday is today.
=]
Tonight didn't turn out as planned.
And I'm angry.
I fucking hate my birthday.
Fuckers.
So, for the excitement first, shall we?
I bought lot's of new clothes from Hottopic & Lip-service today,
It was fairly exciting.
I can't wait until I get the order in, It should arrive around Thursday/Friday.
It's going to be epic, I hope it all fits properly. <333
[/stoked]
Now, for the anger.
It's one thing to have big opinions on a matter, but it's a totally different thing to shove what you think others should be like, and not let them defend themselves.
People with opinions such as yours, disgust me.
What I'm talking about is harassing other people for being Bisexual, because we 'can't make up our minds'.
What the fuck is with that?
It's a choice, so what if we like both sexes? Maybe we pick personality over gender.
And saying that were dirty for doing so, is so redundant.
You accept Gay's, dyke's & straight people,
but anyone open-minded is shunned?
What if a person is straight, but thinks she might be a lesbian?
Then she's open-minded, so you hate her?
What if she turns out to be a lesbian?
Then you accept her again?
Buddy, your FUCKED in the head.
I understand everyone's entitled to their own opinions,
but there IS a difference between feeling strongly for something,
and harassing people that involve the thing you feel strongly for.
Your so up and about 'the freedom to say what you want', but when I do,
I apparently don't have the right to, and should just die?
That's a wonderfully mature way of handling things indeed, your going to be come a great man, I'm sure.
And by the way, comparing Bisexuals to killers and criminals, nice one!
I don't think I need to inform you how handicapped that defense was.
I understand that as of the recent years, quite a few teenagers have taken up bisexuality as a trend. And I think that is ONE THING that we both agree is fucking stupid. It's a life choice, and it's how you feel.
Were aware that were not fully accepted everywhere, and it's not easy-peasy.
But you know what? were lucky were accepted here. And you should be to.
I hope that one day, you face discrimination against something that you are, something that everyone else thinks is wrong.
I hope that you understand one day, that this is wrong.
[/anger]
Today feels like a good day to do things.
Now, I just have to wake up early enough.
-is excited-
PLUS.
My birthday is in 3 days.
=]
AND
I get a bunch of new clothes.
MAN, YEYE.
So yes, all is well.
Hooorrraaayyy.
Toodles, for now
You know when you want to do something, but you don't know what,
And you mind is all like:
GFHtrh^$#@&jri,.;'[]posFDSGhj946y . . . WTF.
That's kinda where I'm at now.
klustrfkrd. o_O
...
I need sleeeep
[edit]
I believe, I might have just got a job.
^_^
Success!
[/edit]
Bleh.
I feel like I'm failing at life,
and it's definitely not a feeling I was hoping would happen.
I feel like I've thrown my whole life away for such stupid reasons.
Like I can't keep up or fix things with myself.
Like I'm running out of time.
Ugh.
I don't believe I like this very much.
But I know I can fix things.
If only, I had more ambition,
Then this wouldn't be happening.
At least, most of it wouldn't be happening.
Ughhhgh.
I don't know how I feel right now,
All I do know, is that I have a headache.
And I'm tired.
@_@
I'm going to post more tomorrow,
when my brain is working.
I'm fixing some stuff.
Were fixing it.
We will get better, I promise.
I want us to work, cutie
<3
Your still very special to me.
You always have been.
Even though we fight so much.
I am a fucking imaginative person.
And I do not like a certain persons headstrong logic.
It pisses me off that you can't let shit go.
Fucking leave it alone, instead of being a stubborn asshole.
This is chaotic.
My life is in an utter spontaneous uncontrolled spiral downwards,
And the one person, who's suppose to make me feel better,
Is hurting me.
The other person, who means so much to me,
Doesn't even understand me.
It's frustrating, dealing with this, alone.
And some may say, "You are never alone."
Fuck that.
Everyone who I've tried to get help from, has let me down.
And don't fucking say you haven't because, you have.
Though it may only be because you have yet to have realized how unhappy I've become.
How isolated I've been keeping myself, and many of you think it's one big fucking joke.
Well it's not.
I need some support.
Something that I can brace my mind on.
I don't even have family to do that with.
I don't have friends I can fully rely on.
I'm in a dysfunctional battlefield. Waging a war against myself now.
Theres too much making me wonder, if I'll be alright in the end of this.
If I can be the same person, when every thing's said and done.
It's been over a month since I've posted here.
Bleh, I've been busy, but at the same time, very un-preoccupied.
I have a boy-creature, his name is Nigel.
School is going down the drain with me and my little to no motivation.
Friendships are straying, but still strong.
I'm more to myself, and it's a bad thing.
Things are reverting back to bad habits.
And mostly thoughts that really bug me have been holding me back.
and of course, lots of family drama. What ever would I do without it?
blah; bla bfsrei.
Thats about it.
Ahh, chat-speak fads, how fun, yet annoying.
And yet, contagious.
Not a whole lot to report, my throat really hurts,
I think (I more than likely) have either strep throat or
some throat infection thing.
Either way, I get penicillin.
How fun. Not.
I hate being sick, but on a bright side, i got to see Nigel today.
Or should I say, yesterday.
I miss him, he's so far away.
hmm, well, anyways,
bored, but that doesn't really matter now does it?
I'm going to sleep after all.
Silly girl, it's already 4:21am
12 minutes already wasted checking the computer again.
Got to love procrastination.
ah, fuck it.
I'll write more tomorrow.
Toodles.
Dream, dream, sleep.
I feel fucked up.
Not in any sort of sense as before
I feel absolutely amazing,
and yet, I feel empty and nervous.
I feel sick, not mentally, but physically.
I'm really starting to wonder.
Am I going to be okay down the road?
I'm not even too sure.
I never really use to care all that much, if it happens
It happens.
But now, I've got a bit more to lose.
Or so I feel like it.
Things can go either way, good or bad,
or just stay indecisive.
Same goes for a certain boy,
who over the span of the summer,
makes me feel oh so amazing.
It appears like it might work out,
and I think maybe, thats what I need.
I just don't want to be used, or mislead again.
I've so much on my mind,
School, A boy, friends, moving, where my life is going.
Health, family. So much and so many important decisions.
I don't know if I can do it sometimes,
most of the time, I just want to hide forever, and run.
Run far away, without a care in the world.
But I'd be abandoning everyone again, letting everyone down.
Letting myself down, and destroying all that I've said to help people.
I'm always trying to stay strong, you know?
To better off others, trying to be as optimistic as possible,
even though I'm getting more and more short tempered,
due to family stress and everything.
If I can keep myself strong, I can keep others as well.
If I make them happy, in turn I will be.
It's gotten me this far, time to just keep going.
But it's so hard.
I want to do what they're all doing, fall into nothingness
into severe depression, and want to give up.
And secretly, I do sometimes.
But I need to be that support.
I don't have time, or I'll fail.
And I'll be nothing, because I'd have gotten nowhere.
So much is expected, and nobody seems to listen,
even though I all listen to them,
for once, I just want someone to hear me out, and keep it private.
All this depression is contagious. I'm starting to feel it as well.
I just absolutely hate, when people say I don't understand.
Buddy, your the one that doesn't, obviously.
I've been though a lot, you don't even know the half of it.
And look at me, I'm doing alright. Even though I understand everyone
has different stress levels and ways of handling it.
It gets annoying, people constantly telling you indirectly "whatever."
And to follow up with that, weak minded people make me want to
shoot myself in the face,
If your going to go along with my opinions, alright, thats nice,
don't fucking change all the time, keep up to what you say or believe.
Don't turn on a dime, Have self control as well.
If you say you'll do it, or won't do it, fess up to it.
It's not that bloody difficult. Honestly.
Just make up your mind, or don't bother speaking it,
because all your doing is creating false pretenses,
And feeding unnecessary lies about yourself.
This world is falling apart, people and land.
Were suffering from a huge depression, not from the media,
not from anything, just ourselves.
Were fucking everything up, and ourselves, and hardly anyone
actually sees it, let alone believes it.
It's really hard to go on everyday, knowing nothing you do really makes a huge difference, that the people you care about probably won't listen, that the things your doing might not get finished, and yet, you must struggle forth. Why? I don't think anyone even really knows the answer to that, an actual answer, an answer that ends in a way other than "Because you have to."
As of late,
I've been regaining my narcissism.
I'm pretty sure thats a good thing,
because most of my self-confidence is returning as well.
Though it wasn't ever really low, it indeed had a moment.
It's feel good to feel pretty.
Dare I say, stunning?
^_^
I've got myself a boy-creature, that's making my heart feel warm and thumpy.
As of late,
I've been regaining my narcissism.
I'm pretty sure thats a good thing,
because most of my self-confidence is returning as well.
Though it wasn't ever really low, it indeed had a moment.
It's feel good to feel pretty.
Dare I say, stunning?
^_^
I've got myself a boy-creature, that's making my heart feel warm and thumpy.
I feel awkward.
I want a tongue.
And actual not "kind of" tongue.
Because only having part of it is odd and upsetting.
Gah.
Things just hurt far more than the flesh,
Those are the things that bug you at the brain goo,
when you want to be left alone.
"Things will turn out."
Oh they will, but for the better or the latter?
Who knows?
I hope so, hope so indeed.
Why does my head feel like a graveyard?
Oh so much utter chaos.
Good and bad, of course, as per-usual.
Not complaining, just in limbo of sorts.
Not a whole lot to describe really,
=/
Maybe more later?
This was so bland.
When I say Sandwich, you say sandwich.
=)
I want McFatty's.
And a bagel, and an ice cap.
Friggin food.
=D
I needs to clean my room,
Tis really messy.
I don't like being busy.
Or doing stuff all the time.
Blah.
Hooray for vacations, relatively soon.
=3
~_o
Oh awkward feeling,
Today shall be interesting later.
Good and bad, perhaps.
My kitteh is sleeping on my leg,
purring, of course.
My room is a horrid mess.
And two of my friends are asleep on my other bed.
Interesting, indeed.
I have a horrid feeling of impending doom.
It's really strong and, impending like.
iick.
I don't want something bad to happen.
Blah. Expressionless once more,
Silence we invoke on.
Life isn't so much as irritating as it is
Frustrating and complicated.
Like what the fuck.
So now I'm at home, listening to trashy music,
On the bounce.
How lively. Of course. Riiight.
I don't even remember what day it is,
My mind is still 2 weeks behind.
And it's depressing that summer is almost over,
and all my friends will have to go back to school.
I don't even know what to say about half the shit
thats going on.
Most of it has left me insouciant.
All I have to say is,
Shushwap shall be interesting indoodle.
I feel lame.
Your such a cutie,
And your smile gives me tummy flutters.
=3
By gosh, it's beautiful when he smiles.
One word. Bipolar.
I hate it, so much.
I should be happy.
I really should be.
But I feel so alone and sad right now.
It's fucked up. Just totally fucked.
And yet I feel kinda happy as well.
This is seriously fucked up.
Damn, I'm rambling.
Anywhore, things have been good,
other than randomness like this.
Blah.
I'm going to go text people.
I'll write more when I feel more like myself.
People ar fucked up.
Flutter, flutter.
Oh the whimsical fate of the heart.
How I loathe and adore you.
I feel undetermined and yet compelled.
How awkward.
Oh and you can't forget enlightened.
Things have changed once more,
and still are changing.
I let a lot of people down, and I continue to do so,
everday.
And yet the caring of letting them down, is slowly being replaced
with and odd sort of hate and non-bothering neglect.
Happiness and understanding,
Torment and un-caring.
Yet, with all of these mixed feelings, I still feel normal.
And dare I say, content?
Theoretically, I should be very upset and annoyed.
But in reality, I'm just annoyed.
Their really is no sadness, just content.
It's really quite strange, to be relocated to the other side
of the spectrum.
I feel horrible, and yet happy.
I feel content and yet I'm screaming.
It's strange, to feel torn.
Things have calmed down, I think,
Either that or I have tuned them out.
Probably the later.
Certain phrases and memories keep running through my mind,
I'm not sure if it's driving me crazy,
or I've already been driven crazy.
"Things are complicated."
Thats what people say.
As each passing day starts and finishes,
I slowly seem to become less and less affectionate.
Less and less everything.
I'm not sure if thats a bad thing, or a good thing.
I'm not complaining though, maybe this is what I need?
My barriers and walls seem to have found a reboot disk.
Not only that though, I seem to have picked up another
Trait as well, Things I love to do, I barely care for now.
This is odd, and concerning. Whats happening to me?
Am I actually letting everything get to me so much,
that I'm shutting everything out, and protecting only myself?
As I said before, maybe this is what I need,
Maybe human interaction and affection is something I can do without.
Definitely. It would sure un-complicate things. Or so I let myself believe.
The summer is almost over. Things are getting colder outside,
Along with myself.
I'm going cold.
And I'm not even doing it on purpose.
It's interesting, being able to sit back and watch,
knowing bits and pieces of the movie before they happen.
Predicting things, and then watching them play out,
and yet always guessing at the ending.
With my change of heart and mind,
I've also gotten rid of other things.
I don't sleep anymore, again.
I haven't touched drugs in a while, though I have lots.
I hardly eat, even though I can again now.
I barely see anyone, even though everyone wants to see me.
I spend all my time at home and on the computer now.
I barely talk to anyone, or even talk in general.
I keep more to myself, in most aspects now.
I've mostly stopped giving hugs and being all cuddly.
It's beginning to disgust me once more.
Only a few people in my mind are alright to hug.
I'm happy my old self has decided to return,
but worried on how it will effect my current life.
Things were so different when I was alone.
We will see I suppose.
Burying the voices once more,
I vow to return to whence I came.
I'm so fucking mad right now.
I want t scream and kill something.
Somethings really wrong with me, honestly.
Their must be something I've missed when I've analyzed my behavior,
analyzed how everything is going.
Something.
Because it doesn't make sense.
I'm becoming an angry person once more,
because of my parents.
And I don't want to be angry.
Not anymore.
I haven't done any drugs either in quite a while,
Yet I keep buying them and storing them.
I don't feel the need to do any sort of inebriation.
I hate reality, but I need to face it, pushing it away makes things worse,
Oh so much worse.
SoI'm stuck here too, quite literally.
I got a kitten, and now my mom is using it as an excuse to keep me trapped at home.
I love my kitterz and all, but I can't stand my parents.
I need somewhere I vcan just go and be myself.
Someones place, I can't just stay outside.
Fuck that.
I'll get really sick again, as I already have again now.
not to complain or anything, but the stress level is getting rather maxed out.
And filling it up more is just going to make me angry.
I'm always angry now.
It;s like before but worse, because I can barely control it now,
and I don't know why.
I need something new to vent all my anger.
Things that I did before aren't working anymore.
Errg.
The school year is fast approaching and I'm fucked.
I'm not ready to start studying and doing all that shit again.
I still need to fix my life and get everything sorted and contained,
Figure everything out.
Very few things make me happy right now.
And those that do, I'm not too sure how long they'll be able to make me happy.
Everything's constantly changing and disappearing.
It's a whole lotta fucked up.
And my parents just don't get it.
They just don't understand the kind of trauma and psychological strain they're causing.
They're fucking me up more, just when things were getting better, if they were.
and they're making me so angry and so upset, I just don't know what to do about it.
I'm probably going to need some sort of therapy after this.
Fuck that though.
I think my head might explode and I might go crazy,
just kill everyone and everybody or something like that.
I can't take all this crap right now.
And yet I still am.
GRBGHSHTJMNSYHFNYFNSR
Fuck I'm tightly strung.
Wow, I haven't posted in here in a while.
Oopsies.
<3
Weel things are fucked again.
Family wise mostly now.
it really sucks.
I'm screwing with my head.
So much.
I don't know who to believe or what to think about anyone here.
family wise of course.
This is fucked.
In other news though, things are pretty deece.
Flutterflies are abundant.
different ones though, than usual.
Ish good?
It is, but it also could totally fuck my head even worse.
this makes no sense.
My mouth infection hurts and is making me dull.
and stupider and angrier.
I've become too angry again.
this isn't me.
I don't like it.
But it's what I do, build angry barriers to keep everyting out and push everything away.
this happens whenever things get bad.
And then, I get upset and making everything leave.
I've become weak towards emotion and human interaction.
I never use to really need other people.
this is fucked.
And yet I still have one intact emotion, for the first time,
In ...forever almost.
Usually the one emotion I have left is far from the current.
Though I'm not complaining.
actually, I'm smiling.
<3
Oh wow, booooorrring.
I get to go shopping, again, today.
Exciting.
I haven't gone major clothes shopping in like,
Forever.
=D
Finally, more articles of coverage,
I'ma happy girlie.
I likies the shopping, especially when I can
finally afford my shopping-ness
Life is complicated, and dramatic,
but I don't care right now.
Mindi is here, finally <3
Blah.
I have SO much to do, to sort everything out.
iick. Gerg, at least I have the money to do it.
For now. I'ma invest in a job soonish, sounds good.
Why is the sun coming out at 4:30am?
wtf.
Anyways.
I'ma sleep, and stuffs, sort though thoughts, and
become slightly more rational and such.
so toodles.
I like pancakes.
Wow, I just had a real enlightening moment.
Like seriously.
I can't even begin to explain it, but it was amazing.\
It's like I got a real good look at everything and what happened,
not recent events but how past events effected me, and changed who
I was, into who I am now. Even all the recent stuff too I guess,
And just.. everything.
It was pretty, just, wow.
I wish I saw things like that more often, It's the frame of mind I try
to keep going, I believe it's healthier.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job, not the best, but alright.
Things will be okay, I think that even with as fucked up as they are,
that they'll get better. I don't know how, or when, but I have confidence,
at least right now, that they will.
What a nice feeling.
Hopefully I stay feeling like this, that would be nice.
My parents were all like, "Were leaving for a while away"
and ended up making a huge scene in front of my friend.
And then ended up going.
And now coming back at 3am.
What the fuck.
Goo thing I didn't have anyone over.
OBVIOUSLY fuckk.
Anndd,
yesterday on the 30th/ tonight, I was suppose to go to the rave.
But I didn't want to go, because things are still all blah I'm guessing.
Kinda sad.
I want to just go and say happy birthday, but I can't.
Hopefully he's having a good time, and his 18th is amazing.
Happy Birthday.
I wish I could say it to you.
Oh my luck is wonderful huh?
The plus side?
I'm not quite too sure, but I think I have an idea.
More bad crap?
It seems as if everyone wants to have a "Talk"
Like I posted in my last blog.
Fuck off people, I don't care if you want a relationship,
I don't care if you feel used, I don't care if I hurt your feelings,
I don't care if whatever it is killed whatever.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP.
Kthnkx.
Fucking rejects.
Love love to all those un-retarded peoples.
So I'm at Julia's right now,
And things are better then they were before.
Family troubles suck though.
So do relationship troubles.
And I'm not even in a relationship.
WTF.
:(
People are fucking gay.
Leave me all alone.
I DON'T want a relationship.
Just because I'm single doens't mean I want a relationship.
I don't want to have ANY more talks about:
"So what am I to you?"
Or
"So whats going on exactly."
I'll tell you,
NOTHING.
Thats what.
Stop trying to give something that isn't hope.
I know whom I care about, and who I'd want a relationship with eventually.
And their's only a few.
Only some people are special enough to possibly get my heart.
Kay so it's 10:30am
and i've been up all night finishing crap.
I'm tired, but paranoid now, because of my mom.
Eeek. I don't know what to believe.
Things are really complicated right now.
Blah.
Soooooooooo,
plans changed.
Andddddd,
I didn't know that they changed, so I waited at home for a phone call back,
Because I called, and you said you'd be home.
But you weren'y, and it looks like I got ditched.
=(
I probably could have gotten a ride from someone else too,
If I had know earlier.
So to anyone now, that makes plan, and can't show or something,
TELL ME.
Because I COULD have been in Leduc, or have just left for whitecourt.
I changed and screwed up people and their plans,
So that I could go to this party in Leduc,
and now that I'm not there, I feel like I let alot of people down,
Which I did, namely be.
And now, it's all BLAH to fix everything.
No worries though, I'm not angry,
just disappointed.
NEHOW.
Whitecourt, early tomorrow, until Wednesday.
Peace out Edmonton, Your all lame.
Ahh, yesh.
If the weekend goes as planned,
It shall be pretty fan-freaking-tasmalistic.
^_^
I'm heading to Leduc today, tis going to be fun :D
Then heading to Whitecourt tomorrow.
I'm pretty stoked, for everything.
Then Canada Day next weekend.
Whoo-hoo.
Other than that though, Everyone is sleeping.
Blahhhh, I wish someone was awake or something.
I'm uber-duber bored.
Newho, ta ta.
Smile Cupcake.
Soo, I have 2 things to say, first off;
I miss my Naia.
Naiobe Dousen.
Wednesday February 14, 1990 - Thursday March 17, 2005.
Now, I could go on about this lady here, for hours,
but honestly, all I feel like writing right now is:
I miss you soo much, not a day goes by that your not on my mind.
Now secondly,
SOME PEOPLE are obviously so SOCIALLY RETARDED,
That they make nexopia blogs, CONSTANTLY about me,
Angry nexopia blogs mind you, when I have done NOTHING
In recent events to them. Obsessive?
You tell me.
And it's getting really annoying, reading them all the time.
I'm considering removing them, just so I don't see them anymore.
But I won't because this person is still a friend.
A really annoying one, but still is.
Now, I didn't post this in my nexopia blog mostly because unlike them,
I DON'T want everyone to read it, so only the few that actually stumble upon this,
Will ever know it exists.
And why did I put it into a blog?
Because it bothers me that they won't choose to either
a) Fuck off just not be a friend, and leave me alone, completely.
or
b) Just stop making random blogs about shit that happened a while ago.
So maybe they'll read this, and just stop posting shit,
OR
more than likely make another nexopia blog, and bitch that I wrote this.
And be a freaking immature dork face.
If you STILL have a problem with me, deal with it.
Or don't and leave me alone.
HOKAY.
Onto other news.
I'm going to hang out wiff a pweety girlie today probably.
And I must make plans to get to places for tomorrow.
I'm excited, this weekend, if all goes well, will rock!
And then most of this week hopefully then :D :D
I'm stoked.
So basically Ray is going to drop off the face of the earth
starting Sunday, till around Wednesday or Thursday.
Yuh.
Peace out E-town, I'm leave yew for a while.
This blog ranter thingy is too long.
=)
I feel really good.
About myself, about life.
Sure somethings are getting me down,
but honestly, I feel pretty darn good.
And I don't have a crush really on anyone.
I know who I care about, and that they care about me.
Well, to tell you the truth, I do like a person.
Not saying anything except, I'm staying away from the male race.
It's so strange, I haven't gone for the female race in
probably a year and a half.
I'm kinda nervous, but still really giddy.
It's exciting.
Summers almost here!
Out of curiosity, who reads this?
I mean who actually goes here from my nexopia page,
And reads what I write here?
Silly creepers, you all are.
Newho,
It appears I have alot of plans,
Like I'm booked full starting tomorrow-ish or Friday
and ending about Wednesday or Thursday.
Eeep.
And for 3/4 of the plans, I'm not going to be in Edmonton.
Gack.
Ahh, well, anyways,
Relationship wise... people suck.
I mean, things are far too complicated right now,
and I think I'll just stay free, for a while.
It sounds better that way to me anyways.
Hopefully things get better here, at home.
This is getting ridiculous.
gerg, I have so much stuff to do,
And it's all in such a short amount of time.
Bleh.
I don't know how I feel about things right now.
Everything is just too scrambled.
Eeep.
I feel a bit better,
I like getting cheered up and such.
Hmm lots of plans this weekend.
I still have to figure out what I'm going to do.
And how I'm going to work it all out.
And most of next week is already planned out.
So yeah.
Lol I'll post my schedule on my nexopia blog once I know it.
:D
More to come later
<3
I don't know how things are going.
Infact, I don't know what to do.
Well, I do, but I don't at the same time.
Emotions are running wild, too much in such a short amount of time.
I weighed myself the other day, expecting it to be all gross and such.
I mean, last time I weighed myself I came out to around 120 or so.
I weighed myself, curious, at a friends, and was suprise.
106.
I guess stress takes a toll on my body.
I'm pretty much back to my weight of last year, before I got really sick.
And thats surprising.
On to other news.
My puppie died...
She was so young too.
A heart attack got her, and I'm crushed.
She was such a sweet, protective loving animal.
She didn't deserve this, I want her back.
All my animals are leaving me.
And all my friends too.
Which leads to:
I feel torn between things, I don't want to make people choose.
I want to belong, I really do, but it doesn't seem like he'll let me.
Every chance he gets, he says little things to make me feel bad.
I wish he'd stop.
I didn't do anything to him but support him, and care about him.
Why does he insist on ruining my friendships?
I still want to be his friend.
I should feel angry, but all I want is for him to be happy again.
Wow, fucked up huh? you don't even know the half of it.
I feel like a tool.
:(
bnufgiisegufdgdf
I hate this
You hate me.
You hate me.
You honestly hate me.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
I don`t care.
You honestly hate me.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
I`m over you.
Your not worth my time.
So it really doesn`t matter,
That you hate me.
Thats what everyone is telling me to think.
that it doesn`t matter,
that your not worth it.
Maybe if I lie to myself,
It will be easier.
That doesn`t mean that it doesn`t hurt,
and that doesn`t mean that your smile
doesn`t brighten up my day.
Even if you do hate me.
Other fish in the sea though, right?
:(
Ah hmm,
I`ve thought, and figured out a lot about everything.
MAINLY, that boys, just aren`t worth it.
I`m DONE with them,
As for girls, who knows.
I`m just going to let whatever happens, happens.
And I`m buying my Odyssey ticket today.
I`d suggest you people do the same, it`s going to be wicked.
Newho, people suck, and I`m going to go eat food substances.
:)
I fuck everything up.
I don`t know why I try anymore.
In the end, it just never pays off.
peace.
I remember on Saturday, you told me:
``Your strong, remember that, where has that strength gone?``
I remember saying that I was never strong enough.
Your reply was:
``Yes, you are. Your a beautiful girl, intelligent,
You can do it, don`t let him get you down, he`s not worth it.
You`ll get through this, I know you can.``
I`d like to believe that I will, I probably will,
but things won`t ever be he same, emotional wise, for me.
I just got over someone, only to fall over a guy who feels nothing for me.
A guy who could care less if I stopped existing.
It hurts.
Me and this boy, whom now seems to hate me, got really close at first,
we shared alot, and thus, he earned my trust pretty fast.
He`s alot like myself, so we understood each other.
Now though, he just pushed me away, found someone better.
I wish this hadn`t happened.
But I suppose I can`t control alot of what goes on.
I want to remain friends, possibly more one day.
But as I said, things don`t alwyas happen how you`d like them to.
This really hurts.
Losing him as a possibly boyfriend hurt alot,
losing him as a friend is just torture.
This wasn`t suppose to happen, I don`t want this to happen.
You make me really happy.
I wish everyone who I cared about, wouldn`t leave.
You promised you wouldn`t.
And I trusted you.
Now I`m stuck here, stranded, in the darkness.
Alone.
So I thought things were pretty complicated.
I thought wrong.
Things are far more so now.
It seems like I`m just fading away,
Like I`m useless, that nobody except a few
would actually really miss me in the long run.
Afterall, apparently I`m such a problem, a fuck up
And so much more.
Not meaning to be emotionally distraught, but
Things aren`t even remotely working out.
People that said they`d never leave, left.
People that said they`d always listen, don`t.
People that seemed to care, want nothing to do with me.
I feel disposable.
Why do people lie, just to make their own self worth higher?
To make it seem, and feel like they`re an amazing human being.
How about you people actually try and be there.
How about you guys actually realize when I`m upset, and understand.
Why can`t you guys just do your part, when I try to do mine.
Why does everyone seem so annoyed at me?
Don`t even begin to say that I know why.
I wouldn`t be asking if I already knew.
I`m trying my best, okay, I can only handle so much, especially right now.
I always make myself seem so happy, to make others happy.
I smile, and laugh and try to seem carefree, like everything`s okay.
And sometimes, I even manage to fool myself.
But then there is the times, I can`t.
Times I can even begin to smile, where no happy even exists.
And what do you people do then?
Oh little Ray is sad, so sad.
Why, Lets make her feel worse.
Getting mad at me, when obviously somethings wrong, doesn`t help.
It makes me feel worse, and I often get worse.
Friends are suppose to be their for friends.
They`re suppose to understand.
Do me a favor, learn how.
Thanks to the select few people who actually understand,
And are being friends.
Gahk.
I've got alot to do, and crap.
blah, blah, blah.
>_O
I feel pretty in-between.
Pretty confused, and pretty enlightened.
Apathy seems like the best idea for now,
I think that it's safer that way.
And yet, I feel loads better.
With knowledge comes enlightenment.
Which kinda spells freedom,
if you tilt your head funny.
Hmm.
I'm beginning to feel the apathy.
At least I don't feel sketchy.
Though it's not like being apathetic is much better..
Smiles are about to come of today.
Too bad the smiles don't stay forever.
Death brings the love of life back in full breath
The happy feeling is actually still there.
But now, it's being stabbed by a different feeling.
I feel, rather expressionless.
It's a feeling of being happy when I think about him,
Yet so unbearably unhappy when I think of everything else.
My life right now consists of 4 things.
Him, Her, Drugs, and friends.
Everything else is fucked up or I'm fucking it up.
Lest be known, that the 4 things that are my life,
Are JUST, if not more, fucked up as everything else.
I hate it.
I just need one point, one thing,
to make all the inspiration come back.
My life lacks Inspiration.
Yet oddly enough,
Everything feels alright when I'm with him.
Too bad it isn't.
My heart hurts.
So much.
I never thought I'd actually
begin to hate my weirdness..
But as of lately, I just wish
That I'd be everything you ever wanted.
That we could work.
I think we can, I want us to try.
But sometimes things don't go that way.
And things just are too complicated,
You say.
Finally, since November, I'm once again
On the receiving end of the hurt.
Heartstrings are singing.
Singing sad songs.
But even though things are fucked up,
Even though everything's happened,
By gosh it's beautiful, when he smiles.
People are annoying.
They really are.
Anyone that decides to go out of their way,
To make me feel any worse;
I'm going to scream and become far more anti-social
Then I have been lately.
Leave me alone.
I don't care what you think I've done, what I have done
or anything.
Fuck off.
I don't need this right now, so I don't need you.
The next person to flip out at me
and take their frustrations out on me
is going to get screamed at,
Because I'm tired of taking your guys shit.
Especially now.
If you were better friends, you'd realize something was wrong,
and not just brush it aside, telling yourselves I'm:
"Just being a 15-year-old"
Fuck, you people are ignorant.
Far more than I led myself to believe.
Do your drugs, become dumber, leave me alone.
I don't want to be around any of you, really.
Just a few who haven't freaked out at me for nothing.
Grow the fuck up.
You all know who you are.
So don't even ask.
People are unhappy, I want them to smile.
Life is alright, could be better.
Feelings are strong, but thoughts are worried.
Things are changing, at first for good..
Now bad? Possibly. Hopefully not.
I can't follow the storyline anymore.
Life has drifted off topic.
I just want everyone to be happy, less rushed.
Everyone is always in such a hurry.
It's like I've been nailed to the floor.
Watching everything go by, unable to keep up.
I just want to feel like I did before;
Complete.
Can happiness truly be sought after?
And once one finds a small piece of this happiness,
Can you manage to keep it?
Questions with no answers,
Questions with no endings hopefully.
Because endings mean it's finished.
Looks like the forecast speaks of sunny days now,
Hopefully nature doesn't surprise us with another
Thunderstorm.
Things happen for a reason.
Sometimes the reason though,
Isn't really clear.
Heart strings are snagging.
I want you to be happy, I want to be able to make you happy.
I want to keep you, but most importantly;
I want you to want me to keep you.
I feel better.
I got some philosophy's finally out of my brain,
and into print.
Things like writing and drawing calm me down.
Thats why I do them so often.
2 hours of just strict essay print.
I'm going to attempt sleep.
It's almost 4am and I must awake at 7am.
iick.
At least I'm clear-headed now.
fright·ened;
And within these illusions, created by your sin,
You hide your emotions, eaten from within.
Ones self is the only enemy, portraying feelings from the past,
Life is darkness, clouding the looking glass.
I think in most cases, this may be one of those situations,
Where the racial term 'jewed' applies.
So to put it in words;
"I believe I just got Jewed"
Fuck.
"Can you rub my back?"
"Yeah, sure."
His hands circle her waist a few times,
Then one warm palm,
Pressed against the back of her lower neck.
"What are you doing?"
"Just hang on."
The other hand, diligently working, as though sewing.
Starting from the lower part of her left shoulder blade,
Then working it's way up.
The hand switches, doing the same motion to the right.
"Done, I've fixed you."
"...Fixed me?"
"Yeah, your wings seemed to have fallen off,
I sewed them back on for you.
Beautiful, long, silky wings."
Saturday.
Thursday = Horrible at first, tiny bit better.
Friday = Pretty good, pretty entertaining night.
Saturday = Not so cool, kinda improved.
Sunday = Amazing for the most part.
Now don't get me wrong, I had a fun time,
I'm just listing all the bad stuff.
I had a pretty fun time.
Today was alright.
I suppose.
But all together I did get a great thing out of this weekend.
<3
Hooray for May 20.
Things aren't what they use to be.
Things Cant be what they use to be.
Everythings changing, distorting.
I don't know if I can hold onto reality.
I need to do things to keep going,
Things I can't do without stopping.
Life has become a metaphor,
A metaphor I can't relate to.
Ahahaha, the title, thus inspired by Panda.
Nehow.
Life has been mostly annoying and upsetting.
Kinda confusing.
I wish people wouldn't assume.
I wish people knew me better.
I wish people understood.
Too bad wishes don't actually happen.
And too bad
Everyone seems to have gotten stupider.
Ahh, what a loss.
Were such a doomed incompetent race.
I still feel sick.
:(
I'm at Mandy's too.
Today was okay, I didn't expect to be leaving
and going somewhere.
But obviously I did.
Maybe tomorrow will be interesting as well.
My teefies don't hurt as much anymore either.
:)
asdfghjkl
I've got nothing else to say.
ARRG.
First, I get an eye infection.
Second, the eye infection starts to go away.
Third, I think I start getting a cold.
fourth, The eye infection is now in my OTHER eye.
fifth, I do get a cold.
Sixth, eye infection is in both eyes.
Seventh, Cold is becoming like a deadly illness.
Eighth, Infection is going away.
Nineth, Illness decides to turn into just a cough and runny nose.
Tenth, TOOTHACHE?!?!
YES A TOOTHACHE.
WTF.
Well, thats what I get for accidentally getting a set of fangs,
Yes they are cool. But, THERE IS NO ROOM.
Fangs = toothache.
THAT HURTS EVERYWHERE, UP TO MY EYES.
AND CHEWING IS A BITCH.
SAME WITH EATING.
So now, I can barely breathe, blinking hurts,
chewing hurts, doing nothing hurts.
Why the FUCK is there something ALWAYS wrong with me?
:(
Still sick.
iick.
:(
--dances to catchy hypnotic beats--
ANYwho.
So I just watched Pan's Labrinth, for like,
The 17th time.
And I still love it.
Go watch it. Now.
Arrg. I don't want to move.
I like it here.
Well actually, it's half and half.
But what I do want,
Is to not be sick anymore.
That would be nice, For a change.
I guess today, I realized,
How many creepers read this blog.
Gosh you guys,
Are you actually looking for insight into my life?
And you think I'd write it here?
Creepers.
I love you guys.
Darling, things are so weird between us now.
I miss you.
Rest in peace Oskie-boy.
Everything's falling apart, slowly.
Things were good.
They got bad, but got fixed.
And now, once again, bad.
What the fuck.
Seriously.
And here I thought;
You guys actually knew what kind of person I was.
I thought wrong, obviously.
Weellll,
I had a relatively good day.
I saw him, which was great.
The flutters are good as well.
But,
I really shouldn't stray to unpleasantries;
Such as certain people I was over viewing.
They make me feel all squishy and sad,
When all I should feel is shiny and happy.
Maybe one day I'll be able to say
My someones name without people
Hating me for it.
Sleepy.
It's 2:49am.
And the only thing that keeping me awake.
Is the thought of seeing
Him.
Bussing to Mandy's
Randomly in the night
Is entertaining.
What an amazing 2 days.
Just, wow.
He makes my heart feel good..
And yet, my heart still gets tugs
from a guy that decided I wasn't worth it.
But in his explanation, "Thats not what [he] meant."
I want to be friends with him, It just kinda feels sad
To know he's already replaced me.
Self worth depletion much?
And still, I get the flutter flies for the someone
The someone I went to go and meet up with 2 days ago..
My Someone now,
And I'm vaguely distraught, but at the same time oddly enough;
Kinda sorta happy.
What a strangely disturbing, demented, rejectable feeling.
I'm feeling skiddish.
Not only because of recent events over blogging
on nexopia...
BUT because of tomorrow.
Because I hafta go to school and get more homeschooling shit.
AND
Then go to Capilano mall.
And meet up with a someone there.
A someone whom makes my heart feel better.
Better than it has due to recent events.
Good or bad?
You know,
If thats how you want to play it..
Then two can play it that way.
Because believe me.
I can.
I like potatoes.
and right now I'm fucking bored,
And I want to be somewhere else.
Doing something interesting.
Blah.
I feel expressionless.
Hooray for Sunday?
Not really.
My mom is going to switch me into homeschooling
Tomorrow,
Thats going to be fun.
All the spare time and stuff.
>.>
Anywho.
I want to go somewhere today..
Well whats left of today.
It's already 4pm.
Hmmmm.
I don't like being here really.
I want to leave and stuffs.
But I need an April bus pass.
Errg.
I have money though,
But I like bus passes more.
Errgish.
The back of my neck and Jaw hurts.
But I get to eat taco's later.
Maybe if I decide to go somewhere I'll go after Taco's
Yeaaah, that sounds good.
:)
Friday?
Indeedly.
Already?
Mmmhmm.
I haven't been home since Tuesday.
And right now I'm in Concordia University
Waiting for Mandy to finish her mid-term
then were heading out for this pride thing.
Where your suppose to be silent for all those
afraid to come out of the closet.
And exactly at 3pm everyone will talk.
Whoo. ^_^
Tonight should be fun,
A night with a bunch of lesbians
In a girl named benny's house.
With Mandy.
And they'll all be drinking
Except me and Mandy.
It think if I was talking to Will or
Kelsey, they'd say:
"Time for a sexy party? :D "
I suppose.
Ich Liebe Dich
[ Insert fast beating heart here ]
mdma is amazing.
I loves it.
K is okay.
But not really my thing.
Meh.
Friday was AMAZING.
And now I'm happy, without the influence of drugs or anything.
Actually happy.
For real.
I haven't been happy since May.
Almost a year.
It feels good.
Life is pretty good.
Saturday was fun too.
And Sunday was okay.
And Monday was happy.
I hope it's warm and sunny again tomorrow.
That would be lovely.
My mouth doesn't hurt too much anymore.
Strange what 20 minutes will do.
And swishing spit
XD
I'm really strange....
Anywhore.
I've come to the conclusion
That I have no respect
whatsoever
for my father figure.
The End
I hope Rob can get out to go to Mandy's party.
:D
It's going to be awesome.
I can't wait.
Urrg, the left side of my mouth hurts
ALOT
at the back
Like it kinda does when your sick
but it just randomly happened
within the past half hour
and I wish it would stop.
It's making me feel gitchy.
:(
Anyways, yesh..
Never, ever, ever
Snort Valium.
LAWL.
All is going well now.
I am relatively calm and content,
And thats always a nice change.
I'm glad that we were able to talk and stuff
Everyone has there bad day, so don't worry about it.
My mom can't be right about Kylian though
Can't be.
but if she is...
Ahh, no worries though.
Things will turn out in the end.
For better or for worse.
Off to watch Thirteen again.
Love that movie.
Te Amo
I'm not a manipulative person.
I can be, like everyone else;
But I'm not going to manipulate you.
I mean, what for?
I don't have a reason to, and even if I did
I wouldn't.
You know why?
Because I care about you.
And I don't hurt people I care about.
At least I try not to.
But nobody's perfect.
I'm sorry.
Please learn to trust me.
I promise you won't regret it.
I'll be everything and anything you need
If you let me.
I'll even save you
If you let me.
Ich Liebe Dich.
Ich bin wieder allein,
Wie ich immer gewesen bin..
Her mind began to lose c o n n e c t i o n with her body.
The machine is limited, a computer r e p e a t s a p r o c e s s.
Sparkling lights, empty sockets draped over endless coils of optic fiber.
Thunderous silence in percussionist waves,
Deafing me, blasting through me with destructive purity.
I looked into the blackness.... something existed, hidden from us all.
I looked into the blackness.... something existed, hidden from us all.
Death was the ancient beast.
We knew its hunger since the first day.
I hate being bipolar.
I hate everything about it.
So much.
So basically it's once again almost 4am,
And i'm sitting here on the computer instead of sleeping
Eating peanut butter.
and contemplating things.
I'll probably end up being home schooled,
Since life right now is being a bitch..
And I'm pretty wound up right now.
My parents are being totally full of themselves.
It's annoying.
My dad decided he wanted to come back;
again.
I wish things could be simpler.
But ahh, if things were simpler
We'd have no problems in life
and without problems we have no growth
and without our growth our world really would totally fall apart
Because hell knows that all that
this fucking world and it's fellow people
haven't screwed up yet.
I feel really ghetto posting here.
And slightly awkward since I use Live Journal.
I'll probably just use this place as a place to post things
For people that want to read about me or whatever.
So nothing too personal.
That will be for my livejournal.
Just ask for it.
Pce peeps.
