Grinchy.

Love's gunna get you down.
Say love.
Say love.
Oh Love's gunna get you down.

Merry Christmas, I suppose.
=/

Tunes on replay in my head.

I feel numb, and cold.
Like the last cracked, frost bitten leaf blowing precariously in the winter breeze.
I am fragile.
Hanging on barely, by the same frost bitten unforgiving twig attached to the tree.
The winter is silent this year, wrapping it's frigid hands, enclosing me.
It's hard to breathe, to think, to be.

I wish that I could feel the warmth of life, in such a bleak stand-still terrain.

- - - -

<sup>I'll be the thorns on every rose
You've been sent by hope (You'll grow cold)
I am the nightmare waking you up
From the dream of a dream of love (Just like before)

Let me weep you this poem as Heaven's gates close
Paint you my soul, scarred and alone
Waiting for your kiss to take me back home

Hold me
Like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me
Like you love the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart</sup>

Noise.

I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.
I'm so, guilty & upset.
I shouldn't feel bad, that's what people tell me.
But really, I know it's my fault.
This was all my fault.
I'm not going to deny it, and blame someone else.
I don't deserve to feel mad about that one thing, but I do.
I should just repremend myself, but it hurts to know.. that if I hadn't messed up how I did, that would have never happened.
Maybe it would have saved us all some hurt...

Ugh, all these weird upsetting thoughts are clouding my mind.
I feel suffocated, and I know that maybe if I hadn't been so selfish, Maybe everyone would be happier.
:(

I'm so stupid, so so so stupid.
I'm sorry.



This was such a terrible birthday.
I can't believe it..

I'm not valuable.

I'm not happy.
In fact I'm quite un-impressed, disappointed, and hurt.
Your words & actions really hurt and bothered me.
I'm not something you can control.
You can't bitch at me and make me feel like shit for things that haven't happened, won't happen, or because your upset.
I'm allowed to have friends, I'm allowed to see the, and I don't have to confirm everything I do with you.
I'm my own person. I do what I do, and you can't pull little tangents like this just because you don't get your way.
It's not fair to me to be constantly stressed out by what you think.
I should have to change who I see or what I do to make you happy, because when it comes down to it, nothing makes you happy.
You just have a problem with me, and you won't admit it.

I don't deserve this.
I haven't done anything to deserve this.
I just want to be happy.

Dance me across the stage

What a fucking great day.

Why can't you just Leave me be if your just going to break stuff, or hurt yourself.
It's my birthday, and I just want one day where I can be stress free and enjoy it.

Just because your mad at me, doesn't give you the right to wreck our house.
It doesn't give you the right to do all this immature bullshit.

Think about how your acting.
Grow up.

Fuck it.

I can't believe you sometimes.
I honestly can't.

I don't know what to say,
But you AREN'T the same person fropm when I met you.
I'm disappointed in the way you handle things.

Whatever, things will probably just complicated themselves.

Anger faded, sleep evaded.

I was quite angry earlier, but now I'm feeling better.
I'm going to try to not let stupid thigns bother me anymore, I'm far too stressed out.

Today is going to be good, and I don't want to let anything mess it up.
I'm going to have a good day, I have good plans.
I'm going to relax and enjoy myself.

Bubble tea, here I come. :D

-smacks head into wall-

My head hurts a whole bunch.
And it won't stop, ugh.

I need to go to sleep soon, so I can be awake and ready to go to the play later.
I hope I don't have a headache later too. :(

Sing to me another love song..

So I wish that it was warmer and sunnier outside.
That would be awesome.
I need to do laundry & clean, but I'm lazy right now.
Tomorrow I've got a play to go to, I'm stoked.
Oh and there IS going to be a new years rave! Now I just need to get another ID..
>__<

That was a terribly put together paragraph.

Brain ache..

My headaches seem to be returning, how wonderful.
This past weekend was.. interesting, and fun.
Minus the throwing up blood & painful intestinal cramping and such.
-ha ha-
I'm feeling a bit better though, not in quite as much pain.
And I can lay on my side!
So I suppose I'm not doing too too terribly.

My birthday is quickly approaching, and currently I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to be doing, considering it's a Tuesday this year.
Hm, though I do have a vague idea of what I want.
Kind of.

Other than that, I suppoose I don't have anything else to really write about.. I slept most of the day away today so..
I guess I'll see what tomorrow has in-store for me.

Fuze drinks are tasty.

I'm in quite a bit of pain at the moment.
Every time I move to the right my insides scream.
My joints have been acting up a bit as well, I've noticed my right hip has started hurting again, and I noticed my left knee was hurting last weekend.
I know I should talk to my doctor about it, but honestly I just can get up the will to.
I'm very un-satisfied with doctors telling my they aren't sure what's wrong, and conducting tests to figure things out, putting me on medication that doesn't work, and giving me improper diagnosis's.
It's frustrating.
I know I'll end up going back though, when the pain is either frequent enough or I'm sick enough.
-sigh-

I haven't anything to really share that's interesting, other than the fact of some random light that most people saw as far as Saskatchewan.
I think it would be interesting if it was indeed a UFO, but whatever.
Great time to invade, huh?

Warped thoughts.

Ugh, I have a little bit to write today, I suppose.
I read articles on msn.com a lot, usually when I'm on my other computer since it's my home page and all, and this one caught my attention:

- Clicky clicky -

Diesel vehicles aren't used mainly in the USA or Canada, which is stupid. But with the way the countries are set up, I'm not suprised. All the oil plants wouldn't want that to happen, huh?

"Diesel vehicles now hitting the market with pollution-fighting technology are as clean as, or even cleaner than, gasoline-powered cars, and they are at least 30% more fuel-efficient."

Pfft.
Well, as for myself I'm feeling a bit better I suppose.
=/

Dreaming differently won't change reality.

So I've been in quite a strange slump lately.
I haven't really been doing anything with my life, and my health isn't so well right now.
My intestines hurt more frequently, but not quite like they did before, and my headaches finally are subsiding more.
But my current major ailement isn't letting up.
My eyes seem to be slowly healing but now healing quite fast enough, and the dull throbbing wet pain that accompaines the healing process is less than inviting.
I can barely see, and it's driving me crazy.
This and the lack of overall good health hasn't exactly tempted me to go on the internet, thus losing touch with people.
Bleh.
I want to hangout with people, and catch up and have fun, but my body and mind have been suggesting otherwise.

With my health feeling like it's deteriorating once more, and my mind feeling blank, I've been just a bundle of stress.
And certain things due to family and such issues have really been setting me off.
I'm worried that the end of this year will be quite like the end of last year.
=[

Ugh. I wish I felt better.
I'm sorry everyone for letting you down.

- - - - - - - -
Lost up in the skies,
Caught in a dream.

What you whisper to me,
And breathe into my veins.

And it feels like today..
So just hold on tight;
And let it slip away.
- - - - - - - -

Vomit.

I'm feeling too many negative emotions at this very moment.
I'm so mad at some people, and so bloody fucking irritated at others.
And then, I'm sorta sad and blaha at the same time.

I think I need to relax and get the fuck off the computer.


On an unfortunate note, my eyes are all fucked up because I got hairdye in them.
:(
And I'm sick.

Quite quaint, really.

So I've updated my deviantArt once again, With pudding being a cute fuzz-bucket.
=D

I've mostly just been lazing about, taking some pictures. Halloween is on it's way quite quickly, and I've got the perfect idea for Kira. <3

Well, I'm off to update my deviantArt once more, and go back into the world of Neopets.
Toodles.

Internet addiction & Presidential debates.

So I just finished reading an article about internet addiction.
And I can tell you right now, I laughed pretty hard.
The article goes over how most people have an internet addiction, and it enforces parents to restrict their children from the internet.
I mean, Tetris wasn't hurting anyone last time I checked.
I understand that some people get out of control playing WoW or online poker, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to go into "Internet Addiction Recovery."
=/

Well, on another lively note..
McCain or Obama? I've noticed a lot of individuals have biased their opinions against Obama, simply because of his name.
Let me just say, I don't belive he's a terrorist. And people should seriosuly shut up and stop being racist.
I mean, Aside from the fact of his name (I mean is that what your going to let get to you?), he doesn't seem that bad.
Here's a site to educate yourself. Obama V.s McCain.

Damn people are stupid.

^____?

So today / tonight was interesting, but at the same time nothing really happened.
I lazed around a bit, went on the computer, lazed around some more, attempted to wash my hair under the shower head (Which isn't removable), got ready, sat at home, fell asleep, was constantly being woken up, woke up, thought about eating food, solved some drama, thought about eating food, drew a picture, spilt pop, thought about getting a drink, played neopets, sat here, thought about making food, facebook, thought about making food, blogger.
Yeaaaah. LOL.

I think I'm going to go make some food.

You don't get a title.

This day has been so terrible, minus a few parts.
And I fucking hate having a shitty day and coming home and fucking have these stupid little comments thrown at me.
What the fuck is your problem.
Calm the fuck down, stop always stressing me out.
Fucker.

-explodes-

Burrr >=[

Yesterday was windy and fucking cold outside.
I mean, it's only 1/2 way throug October and it's already freezing.
If it wasn't for the wind today though, it might have been a bit nicer, but who knows.
I've been cold since I've gotten back, and have a pretty ugly headache to boot.
Hmph. I hate the cold.

Other than being really cold yesterdy, I guess it was alright.
I got some interesting photo's and bubble tea. =)
Though when I fell asleep at like 5:00pm I had some pretty fucked up dreams.
Which leave me here, right now. Today. And I'm awake.
Yup. I'm not sure what I'm going to do today though. Probably upload said pictures, sleep, and lurk on facebook. If that all fails, I'll probably be playing neopets.
Toodles.

Whoo. ;P

I've been up all night downloading online RPG's. Lol.
And thinking about potentially oneday re-newing my Final Fantasy XI subscription.
Eventually. XD
Oh, and I've compiled a list of things I need to buy, and stuff I want for my birthday/Christmas.
The list for my birthday/Christmas is pretty short:

IS Lens (Canon EF-S 17-85mm f/4-5.6 IS USM Lens)
Money for Piercings/Tattoo's
New clothes (From Hot-topic/Lip-service etc.)
Windows Live One care (2009 subscription)
Hair dye / Hair cut (lol, I'm lame)
Art supplies.

XD My lists are always weird for this kind of stuff,
At least I have a list this year. I didn't last year. Heh.

Fruit cake.

So I've been relatively busy these past few days staying up really late at night and reading.
I've mostly been reading fan-fiction, but quite a few fiction stories as well.
I've also been updating my DA (finally), and upon doing so I've also been searching the site and favoriting things.
Upon my searching I've discovered 2 things that I kind of really want to do, one day.
The first is kind of creepy, but actually really neat. This one DA member creates models of dead animals he found and dissected(road kill). After finding salvageable parts that he combines to create an interesting piece, he poses it with nylon wires and super glue then boils it in diluted caustic soda and injects the rest with formaldehyde. Then he dries it under a lamp.
It sounds really, really creepy but it actually looks pretty cool.

Click here for the actual piece!

Haha, now the other thing I want to take up is a lot less creepy, well maybe more creepy for some people, but I want to get a set of doll parts from the internet and doll paint and make dolls. They look so beautiful, and they're positionable!
I'm not exsactly sure where I'd purchase the stuff I need to make one (the body, paint etc.) But I think I could really make some awesome ones.
Here's a few pictures for you ^____^

Clicky clicky!

Much love<3

iickyyyy

So I've been busy reading some fiction on the computer,
and this one story I read was pretty good.
But then it took a whole huge turn for the worse,
And made me feel like throwing up.
The main character got his eyes carved out in a prison bathroom,
because he was trying to apololigize for getting raped to his "boyfriend" at the time.
I finished reading the story, but I wasn't able to shake the disturbing imagery.
It really grossed me out, when the writer described how the character was feeling and such.
Bleh.

Now I have an upset tummy.

Mutterings.

I feel like doing something creative today,
but I've been pulled out of my slump by a friend.
And now, I've got to get ready to be picked up.
Everytime I try to update my DA currently something comes up.
It seems I'm not aloud to be lazy.

I'll bring some writing supplies.

Blurgesh.

My cat has a stubborn, devoted personality.
He spends hours looking into a fishtank for out one fish, a bottomfeed, that you NEVER really see.
Yet he looks for it, unflinchingly, for hours.
He has a "mate", our other female cat, whom he produced kittens with.
Her looks out for her, and takes care of her, though she's so stubborn and full of pride she usually doens't let him.
Yet he still does anyways, loving her from a distance.
And when she falls asleep, he curls into her, sleeping as well, protecting her.
My cat is stubborn and very devoted.
I guess I sort of admire him, In a weird fucked up way.

Then again, It could just be a cat thing I'm over analyzing.
But then again, I am a crazy cat lady. I guess it works.

I've been really keeping to myself unless people come over and bother me.
I've been caught in a bit of a slump, but even when people come to bug me I haven't really voiced what's been bothering me.
I think my thoughts haunt me too much, past things and events really get to me.
And they've kinda caused me to withdraw.
I guess I'm just stuck in the past.

Brain static.

I just wrote such an epic piece of writing.
I feel accomplished, and I feel naked.
Stipped, but good?

Maybe this was some sort of way of therapy. .
Maybe.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I has no title.

So much has happened in the last few days since I've blogged last.
I've been really drained lately, and not in the best of moods.
I'm hoping things will clear up soonish and get better.
It's almost my birthday, and this time of year hasn't ever really been that great over the past few.
Hm.

A fiction novel in the making.

So the bath and tea helped me relax this morning.
I think I want more tea now though.

Whoo for Alice in wonderland.

Something's missing.

Today, I just don't feel right.
I need to vent out negativity, fix myself.
Get out of this rut I've become accustomed to.
I've lost myself in my thoughts recently. I need to stay on track.

Maybe a warm bath and tea will help how I'm feeling.
- - - -
<sup>I took my love down to violet hill,
There we sat in snow.
All that time she was silent still.

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?</sup>
- - - -

>___O

What did I do today?

Sleep, eat, FFR, eat, shower, FFR.

Exciting.
Some people really fucking annoying me.
Alot.

So so so so so, here's what's up.

Okay so I've changed around the layout a bit, call it 8am boredom with no sleep if you will.
I added a nifty box that contains other sites I frequent, a nifty box with a quote I enjoy, ANOTHER nifty box at the bottom with an ending tag picture.. thing.
OH and I tweeked the color scheme a bit, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR.
Bye bye bright yellow link color, and forest green text color.
Hellloooo dark purple and.. vomit green?
XD
Well, I happen to like that color.
So meh.

Mmm.
So, It's bee a few days since I've posted anything relevant.
Mostly I've been trying to get over a cold that just won't go away.
And now it's back with vengeance.
So really, what I've been doing with myself is just sitting at home, trying to feel better.
Oh and playing FFR. Damn that's addicting.
I should probably sleep soon, staying awake isn't doing me any justice.
Must feed the kittens though.

Maybe that boy will stop being so touchy today, and perhaps be nice.
I can hope.

Toodles.

Mood: Very annoyed.

Holy shit,

Why can't you just drop it and fucking grow up.
And while your at it apologize for all this bullshit and fucking mean it.
Stop fucking around.
It's getting old fast.

Ugh, people are retarded.

=[

I'm am very disappointed in your way of dealing with bullshit.
It makes me sad.
And it makes me upset your nerve to throw harsh words at me over such an immature little quibble.

Quit being so hard on me when your frustrated.

Love me.

I've got the nastiest cough, ever.
I sound like a dying animal.
Bleh.
I don't feel good.

I'm not happy with myself.
Anything about myself.



Mood: Gloomy.
/inner turmoil.

Thoughts just roaming.

<sup>So I'll sing this song to you,
for the last time.
and my heart is torn in two,
thinkin' of days spent without you,
and there is nothing left to prove.

I'm counting all the things I could've done,
to make you see that I wanted us to be
what I go to sleep and dream of.
I want you to know that I'd die for you.
I'd die for you.
I couldn't breathe you in like I need to,
and the words don't mean a thing.</sup>

Silently, the poison drips.

So I'm still sick, and I'm feeling gloomy, basically alone in my room tonight.
I feel sort of, lonely? It's difficult to put into words.
I'm not depressed at the moment, but I feel like I've curled back up into a part of me I though I've gotten over.
Let me just say this, It's not a good part, but it's not a bad part.
Ahh, I'm rambling..
I don't know what I want in life right now. I think I should though.
I'm in Grade 12, technically speaking, though I'm not registered yet in my homeschooling.
Yet I have no clue what I'm doing, who I want to be, I feel sort of trapped.
=/

So far the change in weather, and soon seasons, is ending up exactly how I've predicted it.
Lame.



^{At night I stay up writing,
Trying to get these thoughts out of my head.
I've lost all innocence in my thinking,
The child I once was is dead.
I wipe away the tears,
And watch the fresh ink run..
It's like looking through broken mirrors,
The past can't be undone.}

Sprained minds.

Fever induced restless nights are far worse than restless nights due to restless minds.
Ugh.
I feel so disgusting, like a big lump of slime.
At least, that's all the keeps coming out of my nasal passage and chest.
Seriously, being so sick it feels like your swimming in thick dirty water has got to be one of the most revolting feelings ever.
I can barely breathe, or talk.
>____<

I guess all I can do is try and feel better, or at least kid myself that I do so I can actually get some stuff done.
What a fucking shitty way to spend that last few days of nice weather.
All cooped up in my room, vomiting.
Lovely.

Suffocating on silence.

I'm so sick.
It hurts to swallow, and I can barely breathe.
Today, well actually I guess yesterday now, was so shitty.
It's been shitty since I got back from Astral Harvest.
And even Astral Harvest was sort of shitty, cause of how cold it was. Bleh.
I'm getting ym kitty fixed tomorrow, so thats sort of exciting I guess..?
At least my stuff won't have friggin cat spray on it anymore. =]

I hope tonight doesn't hold as many schizophrenic nightmares.
Those were seriously fucked up. -shakes head-
On a random note, let me just say that the new nexopia layout (nexopia.com), sucks major cock.
I hate it. That is all.

Ugh I neeeeeed sleeps, but I don't think I'll be able to.
Fuck Damnit.

=^.^=

So life has been pretty hectic lately, 'cept not all at the same time.
I lost interwebz for almost 2 months (June + July), so everything via internet got put on hold.
/fail.
But I've had internet for almost a month again (yay!), and now I've decided to keep up posting in this, thing.
We have kittenz, they're cute, on Saturday Pudding got given to Ashy, so now we have 3.
Kira is Will's kitteh, and buttons and sushi don't have homes, though I kinda want to kidnap them and hid them secretly in my closet. >___<
The said boyfriend and myself are currently re-evaluating our relationship.
And other than that, I'm super sick, and I'm going to a 3 day rave on Friday. That's going to be great. XD
I get to register for my homeschooling on the 9th, that's going to be even better (sarcasm).

I have a bad feeling for this coming winter, kinda like it's going to suck hardcore.
Not so good feelings at all.

"Everything is so T r a n s p a r e n t in your eyes"

Now do you remember? The truth about the s i c k n e s s?

Open your eyes; Blind to us.

It's a poisonous hybrid that crawls beneath the surface, the ghastly phantom.
The taste of liquid copper wrapped in s i l e n c e.
I've been watching the hours go by, caught up in a dream.

Oh don't leave me, my shadow.

Your time is r u n n i n g out, I watched you c h a n g e.

Inhale, exhale.
Inhale, exhale.

I'll miss you forever.

Reflections

I have such a bad headache.
I've been in such a nostalgic mood lately, it's sort of depressing.
:(

Life's being all complicated, again.

Double sided paranoia.

I wrote a rather enlightening statement earlier,
and was in a great mood.
And now I feel super shitty, like I cause all these problems.

So I'll just pretend it doesn't bother me.

Sleep sleep, what a gloomy evening.

I feel sort of tired, and kind of hungry.
I got my tongue pierced about a week ago.
I keep forgetting to post in this.
=]

Whoo.

Imaginary.//

I feel really fucking horrible.
And really fucking sick.

I just don't have an immediate emotion for this.
Anxiety attacks really suck.

What a good day sir.

I updated my DevArt again after getting back from exploring near my house.
I'm pretty happy with the photo's I got. =D



Tomorrow We're going back out to that spot.
<3

>___<

I feel ouchie.
I'm going to go back to the doctor.
Ugh. Not today though, but soon.

I took a few pictures today, and updated my DeviantArt. I'm really liking how my gallery is looking on there. <3
I wanna keep taking pictures. I may go have a shower so I can walk around and look for something to photograph.
I think tomorrow I may go to an industrial area and photograph there. Like Northside or something. =D

So stoked.

Symphonic glitch?

I woke up this afternoon, and felt pretty shitty.
I still do, but meh.
I'm not sue to waking up so late, I stayed up pretty late.
I like waking up earlier.
I hope I didn't fuck up my sleeping schedule.

I've been thinking, maybe I should get a job..?
I don't know.
Today we're picking up another splint, perhaps.

I kind of want to take more pictures today, I think I might.

I'm hungry. o__O

Do your mouth words not fall out properly?

I'm feeling really iicky today.
Maybe because I need a shower, maybe because I have lot's of plans to figure and work out.
Maybe because I'm slightly stressed out from family oriented problems.
uugh. =[

My wrist hurts a whole bunch, along with my arm. -sigh-
My breathing is acting up, and I still need to get a splint and Robaxacet today.
My ribs and the muscles just under the ribs hurt a whole bunch. Dumb Pneumonia.
And I have a slight headache, other than that though.

So, no plans as of yet for today (I think, I may be wrong, I think I made some.)
Tomorrow, Mindi's party.
Sunday, Hangout with Mandy.
o____O

Mindi leaves next Wednesday, and as for plans next week, I know I've made some..
I just can't remember. x___X

I think everyone should go to this blog:
Click here
LOLZ.

Your under the weather, miss.

So I just got back from my doctors appointment.
And it's not so good news.
I have Carpal tunnel and really bad Tendinitis in my left wrist.
I might need to get an operation soon. =[
Also I need to do a follow up at the hospital, to check how my ovary is doing.
It hurts too.
And I have this other milder condition, the effects where my upper ribs connect with my breast bone.
But I can't remember the name of it, but it's not so bad.
Other than all that though, I refilled my asthma medication prescription, and I'm getting some Robaxacet for my muscles below my ribs, since they're really sore from when I had pneumonia. Which by the way, the pneumonia is almost gone! =D

I'm all broken. It sucks.
=/

Paranoid silence.

My insides feel like they don't have room near my ribcage.
It's really uncomfortable and kind of hurts.
Good thing I'm going to the doctor today.
I hope nothing is too wrong. Ouchie.

So I set my alarm for 11:05am today, expecting I'd sleep late and need it,
but conveniently I woke up at 7:30am. I really enjoy waking up early to start my day.
It just makes me feel so refreshed to do all this shit, and look at the clock and be
like: "Hey, I rock. I finished allthat before noon." =D

My cat likes JPOP & JROCK. Lmao ^___^
He's so cute. <3


Maybe I'll take some more photo's today. =]

Clockwork dreaming.

Fifteen minutes till May, and this blog entry makes April 2008
2+ ahead of the most blog entries I've ever posted in a month.

Tomorrow I go to the doctors to figure out what's wrong with me.
I feel really sick.
=[
My liver hurts.

Emphasis within the echo's

I feel quite a bit more calm after writing in my private blog.
Though my live really hurts at the moment. Good thing I'm going
to the doctor of Thursday.
I'm uber hungry right now, maybe I'll make food.

I feel nonchalant today, and fairly un-motivated.
I'll probably just do laundry and other homely things.

[EDIT]
While digging around in the basement, I found Kirk's old MP3 player.
And I put a AAA battery in it, and surprisingly it still works. ^___^
So I brain stormed on how to get some of the songs I've wanted off of it.
After looking at the USB port on the MP3 player, I noticed that it looked
oddly like my Canon camera cord. Upon discovery I dug up said camera cord
and tried it. It fit perfectly. Success!! Except not really, after plugging
the MP3 into my computer, I realized all of the files were in OMA. Which isn't
able I'm not able to convert. iick. So I decided to this the old fashioned way,
and look them up on Limewire. And thankfully I found all of what I was looking
for, exactly. =D So now I'm in a pretty good mood. Whoot. =]
[/EDIT]

So my post has no title.
Hahaha. -rolls eyes-
Today was a pretty okay day.
I had fun seeing people.

Well, so far it's been pretty good.
I just wonder where Robert is.

Today's a new day, miss.

I'm feeling borderline content today, with a hint of laziness.
o____O

Well anyways, I just finished updating my DeviantArt gallery & scrapbook. =D
And I'm really liking how it's starting to turn out. -dances-
I think that I might take a few more pictures today,
if I can find something worth while capturing.

It's noon, and I think I'm going to go shower and possibly go see Julia at the mall.
Considering it's her birthday, and such. ^____^
Maybe I'll get some bubble teas as well.

I really need to pee.
I hope that today turns out alright.

Free fall; a glimpse of sanity.

What the fuck is up with everyone and harassing me about Ashley?
Can't anyone just leave it alone, instead of making it THEY'RE problem?
Clearly not. I mean, it doesn't effect you directly, why bother?
I understand that you people are friends with her, but really?
Is it worth ruining friendships over? I really don't think so.
So stop fucking assuming shit, and acting like your in the loop,
'Cause your not. And chances are you DON'T have a clue about what's going on.

Yes, I do see that I'm hurting her. Thank you for constantly reminding me.
Yeah, I do feel like shit. About everything. Every day. Thanks for the reminder.
No, I never was fucking leading her on. Your not in my head, don't pretend to be.
Yes, I still care about her. As I said though, it's complicated. Fuck off.
And no guy's, I'm not a whore. What the fuck.

I'll never understand why people can't leave something like this alone.
I know your her friend and that you care about her,
But your opinion is not necessary. Let the people involved deal with this.
Drama, drama, drama.

Fuck off.

Thunderstoms in my mind.. disguise this feeling?

So after fighting a bit more with the said boyfriend,
We managed to start talking, and at first it was sort of awkward.
Then as the conversation progressed, it was like how it use to be.
We were laughing and joking around, like we did before we started dating.
and I actually started feeling happier. Albeit what we'd said before.

And then just as fast as it came, the happiness left.
-sigh-

What the fuck happened?

Okay, so basically I have an unhappy boyfriend.
And it's my fault.

Here's a re-cap of how today has been so far:
I woke up really early (5:50am)
Watched the sun finish coming up, had breakfast.
And overall, I was in a really good mood.
Then everyone else wakes up, I help my mom put in her contacts.
My dad drove my mom to work, and I decided to watch TV.
Then everything went downhill.

I don't even want to go anywhere anymore.
And I'm not even in a good mood either.
Wonderful.

Purge the sickness, we're all diseased.

Random ass title, 'cept sort of not?
I don't know.
I feel weak and well, tired. I'll probably head to bed sometime in the next hour or so.
Today, in a nutshell:
started off pretty good, got rather rocky, kinda looked up, got really shitty,
then turned out overall to be still pretty blah.
I wish it had gone better, but I suppose I can't fix it now, eh?
It's sad to admit, but I believe that my old group of friends hold no space for myself anymore.
I think perhaps, everyone is happier without me being there. Which is a really sad realization.
Soo, I don't have any really close friends anymore. It doesn't seem so, though I wish I was still part of their lives.
-sigh-
I don't know quite yet what to do about this. Maybe hangout more? Hmm.

On a better note, I'm at home. I'm warmer than when I was outside.
Considering I didn't bring my jacket. Stupid father and not picking me up. =[

Maybe I'll figure something out. I feel like a failure.
P.s: Goal status is sort of working. Ehhh, kinda.

"But I dug my teeth into my knees
And I settled for a telephone
Sang into your machine:
"You are my sunshine
My only sun...shine"

Woah, flower child. Wassup there?

Back to the really random title names.
I don't know why.
Haha.

Well I just woke up, FINALLY at a normal time, just past noon.
Whoot.
Annnnnnnd, I just finished eating nummy steamed vegetables with cheese.
^_______^

Today I'm pree stoked for seeing Josh's finished tattoo's, and my old group of friends.
It's been so long since I've hung out with them. But I hafta get ready soon-ish.
Blah to that, I sort of wanna keep sleeping, but I don't wanna risk sleeping through his party or fucking up my newly established schedule.

Good news is that my nightmares have begun to slow down again. Not as much senseless flailing and screaming anymore. Thank god.

I think I'm going to go start my day.

Took a chill pill; ready to feed the fire?

I feel better, after writing in my private blog.
A lot less annoyed and a lot less likely to rip off heads due to frustration.

I think that today is going to be pretty good, if it goes as planned.
I get to see Chloe at WEM, probably some other friends as well, and later I get to see Robert.
I'm going to start planning out this coming week, since I'm feeling a bit better.
All I have is a really bad cough, and I definitely need to see certain people more.
I'm setting a few goals, I'm not sure if I'll accomplish them, but hey it's worth a try.
I've been relatively lazy lately, I think I wanna fix that.


Haha, I want ice cream.

Headache.

I wanna watch discovery channel.
But my fucking television is too complex for me to work it.

Not to mention Will thinks that discovery channel is boring and lame.

-sigh-

[/fail]

My sleeping schedule is fucked.

.

Breathing is super hard.
=[

I feel anxious.

=[

Oh damn.
This isn't good.

I have no title.

My ovaries hurt.
Whoo. [/sarcasm]
I still have pneumonia.

And shit's hit the fan.
owie.

Euuwy.

I can't stop coughing.
This flu/virus thing isn't going away.
Plus I'm getting allergies too, which really sucks.
My ovaries hurt.
I'm pretty miserable, sickness wise.
Mentally and emotionally, I'm in chaos.

I feel like I'm being ripped apart.

I feel sick.

I'm feeling sick physically, emotionally and mentally.
I'm putting a lot of stress on my body and on my mind.
I just can't deal with certain thoughts and certain possible scenarios.
I feel sort of like i'm going to explode.
It's really horrible.

I definitely need to relax,
but it just appears that I can't.
Perhaps I'm just not ready to.

Everything hurts. Literally.

Thoughts.

I have too many of them.

ARRG. [/frustration]

So basically I'm annoyed.
If you can't already tell.
I wish that people would just trust me a bit,
If i'm going to find out eventually then what's the big deal about finding out now?
Why do I hafta wait until another person tells me something?
People really annoy me sometimes.

-sigh-

I'm just disappointed.

I believe this calls for a write up in my other blog.
hmm.

Virus.

Still sick.
And getting sicker, by the looks of it.
My Yukon friend is staying with me, so that's pretty awesome I just wish that I was feeling better so we could do more.
Perhaps I should take more pictures, it might lighten my mood.

I haven't been doing too well emotionally today or yesterday.
I wonder what's up with the chemicals in my brain.
=/

Overcast afternoon's with evening snowy skies.

I believe I got myself sick from last night,
I stood outside in like a T-shirt for 2 hours in the frigid air.
And it was snowing.
Meh.
The train tracks are awfully peaceful at like 3:00am, 'cept when a random train goes by and scares the crap out of me. Haha.
And go me, I think i have something wrong with my bone marrow or something, maybe nerves..?
It's fucked up.

Hmm, I should be doing something productive, but I'm not.

¬_¬;;

I hate April fools.

On a better note though, I think I'm finally getting the hang of my camera.
Annnnd, slowly I'm growing more satisfied with my deviantart account, though I still have a ways to go with it.
One day, one day.
^_____^

I haven't felt so completely content with my art in a while, though I still have that slight feeling of incompetence.
Ahh well, I'm learning.

Perhaps I'll take more pictures today.
Now to let my creative side out for these pictures.
=]

Emotional guilt > Overall annoyance

I feel bad for talking on the phone to a friend I never talk to.
-sigh-

On a happier note, I've finally updated my deviant art account again.
I'm finally getting my gallery going again <3
Lately I've really been bonding with my camera and trying out new stuff,
I'm soo so stoked to go around the city and snap pictures!
But that must wait until I feel less under the weather.
Still though.
=]

I think life is starting to get slightly better.
Perhaps?
As long as I have my art, I think I'll make it through.

wow.

"You will get another chance. Don't waste it."

Woah.
Talk about dead on daily fortunes.

Balance?

I feel as though I'm on the brink of change once more.
But this change is making me feel like I'm free-falling,
Like if i don't make the correct decision, I'll ruin everything.
And by everything, I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting at.
I just don't know if I'm going to like this new change.
I have a sinking feeling everything will indeed be different,
but it will all be so similar to what I've been trying to get over.

Oh fuck.
=/

Truth.

I think that I need to create balance in my life once more.
I've already begun to do this, slowly.
I'm changing who I am not just because I need to, but because I know it's time.
I need to start doing things right. I need to regain myself, and who I am.
I don't like this fucked up shell of what I use to be.
I don't like being detached from reality and everything.

I'm trying to open my eyes.

Working through the shit in my brain.

Hmm.
I've a lot of thinking to do.
And quite a few awkward conversations left to deal with.
Wonderful.

I hate digging myself holes, only to jump in.
Like, seriously, what the fuck.

Yep.
So this is it, shit is royally fucking the fan up.

I still wanna runaway.
But I don't think I'm going to.
I'm going to attempt to salvage all this shit.
Key word being attempt.

What a fuck up ...

Me.

My brain, thoughts, emotions, everything.
It's all just really fucked up.
Just like the way I'm currently living my life.
I don't understand myself anymore, or my ways.

I feel like shit, physically, emotionally, mentally.
My body has been constantly ill.
My mind is in utter chaos, trapped in thoughts.
My emotions can't decide what I want to feel.
I'm just, wrecked. 100% wrecked currently.
And everything around me, is pretty much crumbling.
I'm torn between fixing myself or making others happy.

I run away from all my problems usually,
I just pretend their not there.
I want so desperately to do that in this case,
and in some ways I have.
But in all honesty, it's not getting me anywhere.

I wish I didn't hurt the people I care about most.
I try not to, but all this running away, hasn't really helped.
I want to make everyone happy, but I know that's not possible.
Right now, I just want to make myself happy.
That's not going so well either.
I try to fix myself, and in turn I hurt so many others.
Is it worth it?

Everything that I've pushed out of my brain, or just simply disregarded
has moved it's self right to the front.
I'm relating current life, with way too many parts of my past I've tried to forget.
And, I think that I can safely say, I don't know how to deal with this.


P.s:
Yesterday marked 1 year since I created this blog thing.
and I've actually managed to kind of keep up with it.
Whoot, I suppose.

Teehee.

So today, I straightened my hair and wore preppy clothes,
just because.
I look damn interesting, but totally in a good way.
LOL
But I'm never dressing like this fer srs.
XD

On a good note, I believe I'll begin to straighten my hair everyday.
Oh gosh.

I feel sick.

My thoughts, are all mixed up.
I feel pressured, and I feel calm.
I'm also pretty sick physically.
Yay pneumonia [/sarcasm].


I have a sinking feeling that shit's about to hit the fan.

Pudding.

Soo, I suppose that this weekend was absolutely horrible,
but at the same time it wasn't. Which to most really wouldn't make much sense, eh?
Now, I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about everything else.
Oh man, this is going to be complicated.

ugh.

I feel like crying.
I feel like hitting things.
I just want to find someone
that doesn't fuck around with my empty chest cavity
where a heart use to be.

Obviously that's far too difficult.

Blehhhhg.

I think that my mind is definitely broken.
this goes along with my reality.
My outlook on pretty much everything has been altered.

I guess that's what happens when your on acid and your friend dies,
but don't actually die.


It's complicated.
But I'm definitely broken.

I'm very frustrated.

So this past little while has been interesting to say the least.
I've made new friends, more memories, and more problems.
I feel inadequate, as per-usual, but to be completely honest it's in a totally different way this time.
To top it all off, I think I'm getting sicker again, I'm brusing easier and I just broke a vein in my hand.
It really hurts.

I'm perplexed over certain senarios, and I have one of those forboding feelings of anticipated rejection.
It may not be for certain, but I feel pretty shitty nontheless.
I'd say that I don't know what's wrong with me, but tha'd be a lie.
It's more of, I don't know what to think of myself.
Everytime recently when I've tried to slow my thoughts and understand myself, I've failed.
I don't want a lot, but I know that I'm really messing up my life with my choices, among others in the midst.

I just want someone to cuddle, someone.
I want to be happy, I think that's what we all want in one way or another.
I'm at a loss for words.

So much for "epiphanies"...?

I honestly feel like a failure right at this very moment.
But I honestly don't want to change a thing.
I've missed this, and how spontaneous this is.

Hahahaha, what the fuck do I do now?
ugh.
I disappoint, yet amaze myself.
Not surprising, really.
[/fail]

What the fuck am I doing with myself?
I don't know...

Crossroads.

Soo, I believe that today i've hit a turning point of sorts.
I think perhaps I've finally begun to maybe head in a right direction.
But at the same time I believe that this may be a really dumb thing to get worked up over.
I think that my life is going to change, soon.
Possibly for the better, possibly for the worst.
I'm honestly not all too sure.
I suppose I've just let what happens, happens.

I'm really tired. Bah.
I'm go sleep, so I can wake up soonish.
AND BY THE WAY:
THIS IS MY 100TH POST.
^___^

Brain ache.

I've begun to wonder, once more, who actually reads this.
not like that actually matters, since I just use it for venting,
but it crosses my mind, not gunna lie.

So I have a tummy ache, and it's kinda there, but kinda not,
and I have a head ache thats kinda there but kinda not.
And ocne more, I've been thinking, about everything in my life.
And some of my thoughts have been making me wonder about previous things that have happened.
Like how I keep thinking about how I'm almost going to be an adult soon.
How fast i'm growing up mentally and physically.
What friends I still talk to and who I haven't talked to in soo long.
I keep recalling previous relationships and ex's and almost's.
And certain memories that hold a lot for me.
I dunno, i'm jst really thinking about my life in retrospect.

Annnd yeah, that's about it.
I've been trying to hangout with more people too, but that gets difficult.
Gotta find some motivation, haha.
=]

Busy bee.

So here I am thinking, why have a Livejournal,
when I can just post everything from there, into a private little blog on here?
so I created a new private blog called: "Bizarre Identity."
I'm thinking about in the future letting some of my closer friends read it,
Possibly. Lot's of personal stuff shoved in there. Haha =]

Anyways, on to the topic of my actual semi-personal life.
I've been feeling kind of alone. Not necessarily "I miss someone" kind of alone.
Just, seperated?
It's difficult to put into words.
I don't know what exactly I'm getting at either really.
I suppose I'm just writing out my thoughts, because it's the "good" thing to do.
You know, vent and such.
Whatever.

I'm eating Doritos right now,
and they're burning the gash/cut thing I have in my mouth.
Yep.

Ouch.

My heart just broke a bit more today.
As it does every year.

Happy 18th birthday Naiobe,
I really fucking miss you.

D=

Oh, everyone is just so wonderfully RETARDED today.

People are so fucking stupid.
They make everything into a competition.
Currently it seems to be: "Who fails at life more?"
Oooh, way to fucking turn everything I say into a "I've done worse." situation.
And people expect me to just open up to that?
I don't need answers, I wasn't asking for them.
I could give a fuck what they think about my life.
I like it when people listen. But It seems, everyone has forgotten:
When listening, You don't talk.
Holy shit, what a mother fucking epiphany.

Keep you mouth shut. Seriously.
If you want to talk about ME, then let's talk about ME.
I don't see a YOU in there.
-hits head agains wall-

I'm very frustrated right now.
And no, I don't want to talk about it.
Thanks for asking.

Iris - goo goo dolls

Sorry for the song title thing.
I can't stop thinking of that song and listening to it.
It reminds me of so much, and envokes such a strong feeling.
It's hard to describe in a blog.

I haven't been doing to well emotionally,
I've been thinking about a lot recently.
I mean, I've seen both sides of the spectrum,
emotionally, mentally, physically.
(as in emotionally distraught, mentally broken, physically too sick to function(like constant hospitalization.))
Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I've been reviewing the way I react and stuff to
things, and I've been doing a lot of self reflecting.
Which is what most are doing right now, and though it sounds weird, I'm getting really moody.
Not really paranoid though most would think, but I mean, I just think that most people I talk to see to be so caught up in their "problems".
Which aren't vert bad in all actuality.
I'm not saying mine are worse, no I'm not.
I just mean it seems like a lot of people are stressing over little things, and don't have much to actually stress over.
I don't know I mean I understand every human being has different ways of handling things and has a different way of accepting things, and one thing to one person may be more traumatic than to another. But still.
I think what I'm getting at is, I try and talk about some stuff that's bothering me,
but whenever I do all I get as a response is:
"Ya I know, that's what's going on with me too."
or
"That sucks, today this person did this and I feel _____."
or
"That's what it's like for me, I've been there."
And maybe they have, but that's not what we're talking about.
or they give me some shitty advice or whatever, when I don't even want or need advice.
Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to.
I mean, I'm smart enough to know what not to do, I don't need someone telling me so.
Blah blah blah.
And I just feel like it's unfair, because most don't listen to what I'm trying to get across.
They don't realize I'm not adressing Their problems.
I just want to talk about mine for a bit sometimes, instead of theirs.
I guess that's just difficult with some people.

Whatever, i'll jsut keep everything bottled up, like I usually do.
I get through life pretty well like that.
Plus you don't need to worry about who's telling who what.
It's a win win situation, minus that fact the toll it takes on your mind.

I think I need a change from current situations.
I don't like what I've become and what's going on currently.
I'm having impulses I don't like.
And I'm so worried that this year, will be like a repeat of last year.
I need to find myself. And fix myself.

La de da dum.

Hmm.
Life is confusing, I still feel like I'm losing grip on reality.
But that isn't a first.
And it has it's reasons.
Family life, is fucking with my head.
Relationship wise, I know what I want, but at the same time I don't.
I need to get my head on straight before I deal with love affairs.
The 14th aka, Valentines day, is coming up soon.
That sucks.
Not for the fact that it's the day you spend with your lover, but for the fact it's an Ex-lovers birthday.
Then other dates are coming up fast. Fuck.
Well, at least I know I'm crazy. That's wonderful.
Frigging stress. How I hate thee.

Sorry for all the random here.
It kinda happens sometimes.

Inner ramblings.

I can't decide whether or not I'm just permanently bemused or possibly just a little off.
I think it's the drugs.
But seriously now, I think that society as a whole, is going straight down the drain. Everyday I seem to lose a little more hope in people and how they think, or I suppose in this case, how they're not thinking for themselves.
I mean sure, everyone is influenced by someone(s) usually, but it appears that most have reached the point of blind conformism. It's just making me wonder, with everyone constantly changing they're outlooks and friends so often, what are they searching for. I'm talking like, people changing everything about themselves to fit in. It's just making me wonder whether or not half of those people know who they are, like in a emotional and mental sense. Perhaps maybe they've just forgotten themselves or disgarded the proverbial characterized slate of "me". Which sucks bigtime for them, because all the fake friends and "fun" sexually induced, drug laced wild escapades they engage on won't mean a thing later, they'll just be someone else. They'll have different likes and dislike and friends to fit in. Changing for the worst or changing for the better, it doesn't matter because they won't be changing for themselves. Maybe I'm just over analyzing this, maybe. But I think I have a point somewhere in there.

And what the fuck is up with everyone doing coke?
Jesus.
That's another rant, for a later date.

Again with the weird titles, yes?

I don't think I can describe how I feel right now.
I feel complicated, I feel almost, mundane?
Sweet jesus.
I've gotten to thinking, what am I really doing with my life?
And ever since that, I just feel really trapped.
Like I want to live a life without responsibilities, but I know that that itself is impossible.
I know that I'll never be that flawless crystal.
It seems I'm currently only prone to failure, everything I do somehow reflects just how much I've really fucked up/am fucking up my life.
And yet, even with this knowledge I'm not making much of an effort to improve.
That's my problem. I lack the ambition, the inspiration, the basic urge to better myself.
I just can't bring myself to do anything else, I just don't have the will to.
Every year I end up feeling like this. Perhaps it's seasonal, things tend to get worse around the winter months, but perhaps it's just me afterall.
Then again, maybe I'm just over annalyzing. That happens a lot too.

I just don't like how I'm feeling.
I have so many other thoughts, but those, those are not for a public blog.

Krasnoyarsk, Russia

This is the current time in Krasnoyarsk.

/facepalm

I feel like an emo face.
But I'm not feeling emo, if that makes sense?
I don't feel like myself.
I feel worthless and empty for no reason whatsoever.
It doesn't make sense.
Maybe it's too many bottled up emotions, or perhaps it's just this time of year.
Maybe it's the current turn of events,
I haven't felt self loathing in quite some time.
It's not something I enjoy.

-sigh-
As the days go by, it just gets worse.
Nothing seems to be helping really.
I'm feeling at a loss of what to do.
This is retarded.

Myspace.

So I realized that I created a myspace.
I don't know when I did, but I did.
I must've been high or something.
Haha.
So now I have myspace.
Fucked up.

O_o
LOL